Whenever I come home, I invariably think of Home. I come up North and I think of Home. Yes, the Northwest has been my home, but it's very different than my Home. The South is alive in it's own right. She is beautiful. She is everything you've heard, she is unknowable to you, she is nothing that you assume, and everything that you want.
"I'm sayin Georgia ..Georgia
A song of you comes as sweet and clear
as moonlight through the pines."
Sometimes, She is warm, soft, and quiet. Like a soft spring day, walking through the woods hand in hand, not talking, just taking in it all in, her and I. Other days she is a hurricane, a force of nature, her fury destroying things, but also bringing new growth. And no matter what, no matter what her mood, She is always beautiful. Always breathtaking. Always my home. No matter where I go. Everyplace I've laid my head is somewhere else. Sometimes those places are interesting, more often than not they are just annoyances, another place to be before I can return home. She is always where my heart is. Always in those warm hands. In a place where sand and other detritus scoured my body and soul, all I had to do was wait for a quiet moment and think about her, think about my home.
"Other arms reach out to me. Other eyes smile tenderly.
Still in peaceful dreams I see the road leads back to you."
She is everything magical in this world. Not as old as other places. Not as historical. Or so they say. You see her history when you look in her forgotten places. In the spots the tourists and passers by miss. The spots where she is not what is expected or needed. It's where you see her soul. She always shines, no matter where you look. But it's when you look deeper that you see everything she is. And if you are patient, if you can be strong enough to not gloss over, to look deeper. She will unfold worlds. Always amazing, always beautiful.
"Georgia, Georgia,
No peace, no peace I find.
Just this old, sweet song
Keeps Georgia on my mind."
She is everything I missed when I felt I wasn't good enough to go home. When I wandered off to try and be what I felt I needed to be to go home again. You have to be the right kind of man to call her home. Many have hurt her over the years. She is so strong. Look at Atlanta now. Remember when she burned? When Sherman marched across destroying what he could to make her unlivable for all. She is stronger than all that. She has scars to be sure. But they add to her beauty. They show the world that she is above and stronger than any hurt any could inflict on her. I've hurt her myself. I'm not proud of it. But, someday, I'll have worked hard enough to be let back into her arms. Into her Heart. And then, I'll be home.
She is more than a place. She is more than my Heart. She lives in my mind. As a child she was my Mother. She was my Grandmother. She was the Mother of us all that knew to look at her that way. As a man, she is my best friend, my lover. My soul.
She can be rough, she can be soft, but at all times she is beautiful. She is amazing. She is mine. She is no ones. She can never be owned. Just admired and partnered. No one can dominate her. So many have tried. You have to work with her. Work for her. Serve while leading. It doesn't have to make sense to you. You don't live there. She ain't your home. She ain't your Heart. All in all she has to be a part of you. Your home and your other half. She has to be your breath. You have to feel lost when you aren't home, but carry her in your heart always. She is Eternal. She is the warm sun in the mornin as you stretch and start your day. She is the clear sky at night as you watch the moon. She is everything you want. She is everything you have been. She is everything you are. She is Home.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Pour Decisions...
So... 4 day. Went to a bar. Twice. Got pretty drunk the first night. Danced. There may or may not be pictures. Last night was not NEARLY as fun. Too crowded. One of my boys pre-gamed a little TOO hard before we left. So, him sleeping in the cab. kosher. EXCEPT...when WE get out of the cab, we are walking through the parking lot. HE is dismounting the Stryker the day Bob was shot and killed. So when he SPRINTS inside, we all think he's gonna puke. time passes, we keep going down to check on him and he's mostly passed out. When he finally DOES come back up, he's pale as a ghost and looks terrified. So, there is a lot of talking done, and crisis is averted but it definitely colors the night a different shade.
In other news, I found out that occasionally my body just won't let me get buzzed. ZERO. ZILCH. That started making me mad. To add to the wackiness, at some point during the evening I was told to go dance so my mood would improve.
After sorta making a choice I was informed that the night before while um... what's that word....BLITZED; I had told said dance partner and a few of her friends that I couldn't dance because I was married. ?? Yeah, that was a shock to me too.
I don't have to wear a polo shirt at all. My me-ness will always shoot me down. So I had a good laugh about that, sorta. By this point I just wanted to split. Some Amerikan was causing problems with his German ex, so we had to intervene there and that was not pretty.
By the end of the night, we just wanted a cab and to get outta there. Same German girl we helped of course needed a cab back to her home so we let her ride with us, which ended up being her and one of my friends very nearly making out ON me in the back seat which lessened my mood further. The sounds of that were only slightly less enraging than someone chewing say......I dunno.... raw carrots with their mouth open 2 inches away from my ear. So we got back and hey what do you know, this cab ALSO cannot get on post so we have a 2 mile walk in the rain to top the night off. SWEET. So, I think that may be the last time I go out for a while. A long, long, while.
"Is it still me that makes you sweat? Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?"
In other news, there was other news, but it's locked in a room right now being water boarded and then will be dissected until I can make sense of it all. I'm somewhere between not being surprised at all with some of the things I've learned and absolutely shocked and horrified. My mind is still in deliberations. Also, I learned that there IS in FACT be a light that never goes out. We'll see about that one too.
"When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin.
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of ..."
In other news, I found out that occasionally my body just won't let me get buzzed. ZERO. ZILCH. That started making me mad. To add to the wackiness, at some point during the evening I was told to go dance so my mood would improve.
After sorta making a choice I was informed that the night before while um... what's that word....BLITZED; I had told said dance partner and a few of her friends that I couldn't dance because I was married. ?? Yeah, that was a shock to me too.
I don't have to wear a polo shirt at all. My me-ness will always shoot me down. So I had a good laugh about that, sorta. By this point I just wanted to split. Some Amerikan was causing problems with his German ex, so we had to intervene there and that was not pretty.
By the end of the night, we just wanted a cab and to get outta there. Same German girl we helped of course needed a cab back to her home so we let her ride with us, which ended up being her and one of my friends very nearly making out ON me in the back seat which lessened my mood further. The sounds of that were only slightly less enraging than someone chewing say......I dunno.... raw carrots with their mouth open 2 inches away from my ear. So we got back and hey what do you know, this cab ALSO cannot get on post so we have a 2 mile walk in the rain to top the night off. SWEET. So, I think that may be the last time I go out for a while. A long, long, while.
"Is it still me that makes you sweat? Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?"
In other news, there was other news, but it's locked in a room right now being water boarded and then will be dissected until I can make sense of it all. I'm somewhere between not being surprised at all with some of the things I've learned and absolutely shocked and horrified. My mind is still in deliberations. Also, I learned that there IS in FACT be a light that never goes out. We'll see about that one too.
"When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin.
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of ..."
Sonnets in the wind.
This day a few years ago, I lost something that I could never get back. And at the time, I wasn't even around to know what I'd lost, running around doing what I thought had to be done.
A little while later, I'd come to realize what it was and how heavy a cost it was. It's one of my treasures and one of my greatest tragedies. I carry it with me and examine it daily. For a long time, I thought I wouldn't be able to go on. The regret and guilt were crushing. They still are most days. Sometimes, you can scourge yourself with your greatest treasure as well. But, time as it does, passes. Weights don't lessen, but become more bearable The scourging? Well, that's personal preference.
"My little china girl, you shouldn't mess with me. I'll ruin everything you are."
He walked into the dust, carrying a wasteland inside, dust shaking loose from the cracks with every step. He discovered along the long lonely road that living wasn't nearly as easy as dying for her would have been. He stopped and noticed that with each step, he left a few sentences written in the stuff of his wounds along the way. Messages. Clues. Sonnets. All a trail. To trace him? To see where he went? To see where he was going? It didn't matter if she followed or not. He'd leave them just the same. Somehow, a message. A manifesto. An apology.
He stopped and stared at the stars. Looking for a way home, heedless of the fact the he had destroyed it years before. He stared for a bit. Hoping that somehow a way would appear to him. Nothing showed. Nothing ever did. He trudged on. Eyes forward but occasionally looking for something in his peripherals. Searching for a way to take all the hurt he'd caused back into himself to seal it from the ones the loved the most. But until he could find away to bottle or release those demons, he'd continue to try to become the man he should have been in the first place.
Loss after loss has a way of motivating great change. He stared into the nearly solid ghost of his loss. Looked at her eyes, brushed her lips with his hands, and wished for away to make his greatest failure as a man; fly free, unfettered by the destruction he had wrought. Fear had grown in him like a cancer, and it wasn't until after the time had passed that he was able to excise the sickness and leave it behind. Too little too late. One of the many stories of his life. But it never stopped him from looking backwards fondly, on the greatest time of his life.
For all the hurt, for everything lost, for everything that haunted his every moment; He had found nothing that could take the sunshine from that time. And that was the thing that kept him going. One foot in front of the other. Faces on the horizon. Two hearts in his chest pumping in time.
A little while later, I'd come to realize what it was and how heavy a cost it was. It's one of my treasures and one of my greatest tragedies. I carry it with me and examine it daily. For a long time, I thought I wouldn't be able to go on. The regret and guilt were crushing. They still are most days. Sometimes, you can scourge yourself with your greatest treasure as well. But, time as it does, passes. Weights don't lessen, but become more bearable The scourging? Well, that's personal preference.
"My little china girl, you shouldn't mess with me. I'll ruin everything you are."
He walked into the dust, carrying a wasteland inside, dust shaking loose from the cracks with every step. He discovered along the long lonely road that living wasn't nearly as easy as dying for her would have been. He stopped and noticed that with each step, he left a few sentences written in the stuff of his wounds along the way. Messages. Clues. Sonnets. All a trail. To trace him? To see where he went? To see where he was going? It didn't matter if she followed or not. He'd leave them just the same. Somehow, a message. A manifesto. An apology.
He stopped and stared at the stars. Looking for a way home, heedless of the fact the he had destroyed it years before. He stared for a bit. Hoping that somehow a way would appear to him. Nothing showed. Nothing ever did. He trudged on. Eyes forward but occasionally looking for something in his peripherals. Searching for a way to take all the hurt he'd caused back into himself to seal it from the ones the loved the most. But until he could find away to bottle or release those demons, he'd continue to try to become the man he should have been in the first place.
Loss after loss has a way of motivating great change. He stared into the nearly solid ghost of his loss. Looked at her eyes, brushed her lips with his hands, and wished for away to make his greatest failure as a man; fly free, unfettered by the destruction he had wrought. Fear had grown in him like a cancer, and it wasn't until after the time had passed that he was able to excise the sickness and leave it behind. Too little too late. One of the many stories of his life. But it never stopped him from looking backwards fondly, on the greatest time of his life.
For all the hurt, for everything lost, for everything that haunted his every moment; He had found nothing that could take the sunshine from that time. And that was the thing that kept him going. One foot in front of the other. Faces on the horizon. Two hearts in his chest pumping in time.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Miracles.
"If only You'd believe in miracles, baby
So would I."
Today was a pretty good day. Platoon Party out at the lake. Relaxing. Only here will you find people laughing about the times they got mortared. Funny story that one. :) Guess you'd have to have been there. Not much else going on. It's 0400 am and I'm obviously awake. I had to come back here at 1630 and sleep off the barbeque. According to my roommate I slept it off while sitting up, typing in my sleep on my computer. Good times. Sometimes, I have to wonder who's at the drivers' wheel when I'm out.
Giving a lot of thought lately what I want to do when this contract is up. There's a lot of options on the table. Now, I just have to pick the one that's gonna work out best. And that's gonna be tricky. There's a lot to consider and a lot of different ways to look at my life at this point. Which introduces more variables. So that should be fun.
So would I."
Today was a pretty good day. Platoon Party out at the lake. Relaxing. Only here will you find people laughing about the times they got mortared. Funny story that one. :) Guess you'd have to have been there. Not much else going on. It's 0400 am and I'm obviously awake. I had to come back here at 1630 and sleep off the barbeque. According to my roommate I slept it off while sitting up, typing in my sleep on my computer. Good times. Sometimes, I have to wonder who's at the drivers' wheel when I'm out.
Giving a lot of thought lately what I want to do when this contract is up. There's a lot of options on the table. Now, I just have to pick the one that's gonna work out best. And that's gonna be tricky. There's a lot to consider and a lot of different ways to look at my life at this point. Which introduces more variables. So that should be fun.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Setting Fire to Sleeping Giants.
The night was heavy, hot, and cold. A paradox. But only from the outside. He tears at the bandages trying to get the last of the blood to shake free. The dust and sand falling to the floor, he stood unabashed at what was given to him and what he returned. Freely, honestly, and without malice.
"What if I wanted to fight? Beg for the rest of my life? What would you do?"
He watched the pain unfold. Origami in reverse. Trying to get to the roots. The core. The center of the Gordian Knot. To see it released and watch her arise resplendent and whole. The weight released.
"You say you wanted more. What are you waiting for? I'm not running from you."
But, like all things, his hands destroyed whatever they touched. His voice tinged with too much sorrow, guilt, and pain to be heard clearly. His dusty boots back on his feet, past in flames; he continued his walk alone.
"I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change.
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am."
"What if I wanted to fight? Beg for the rest of my life? What would you do?"
He watched the pain unfold. Origami in reverse. Trying to get to the roots. The core. The center of the Gordian Knot. To see it released and watch her arise resplendent and whole. The weight released.
"You say you wanted more. What are you waiting for? I'm not running from you."
But, like all things, his hands destroyed whatever they touched. His voice tinged with too much sorrow, guilt, and pain to be heard clearly. His dusty boots back on his feet, past in flames; he continued his walk alone.
"I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change.
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am."
Sunday, November 2, 2008
There are things...
That you just can't explain. Because no one would understand. That's life. You deal with it, nurse it, drink with it, sleep and wake up with it. And that's the way it is. You get by.
"Pain's just a pulse if you just stop feeling it."
"Pain's just a pulse if you just stop feeling it."
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Blech.
This is me. Sick as hell right before I fly out. Tomorrow. Not out of country. Just to a different part. Awesome. The hits keep on coming. You know?
Just so you know, Ugandans smell like hot, rancid, garbage. Which at close proximity doesn't really help with the nausea. Just thought I'd share. Only a couple of days until I'm in Das Fatherland enjoying no more than 3 drinks in a twenty four hour period. Yay for reintegration. It promises to at least be amusing as the lion's share of it is for married dudes. Which I of course, am not. So, another week of wasted time. But, I'll at least be able to enjoy a beer after work. Or go to a REAL gym. Or you know, walk alone in the snow with just my thoughts for company. All of which I am looking forward to.
Just so you know, Ugandans smell like hot, rancid, garbage. Which at close proximity doesn't really help with the nausea. Just thought I'd share. Only a couple of days until I'm in Das Fatherland enjoying no more than 3 drinks in a twenty four hour period. Yay for reintegration. It promises to at least be amusing as the lion's share of it is for married dudes. Which I of course, am not. So, another week of wasted time. But, I'll at least be able to enjoy a beer after work. Or go to a REAL gym. Or you know, walk alone in the snow with just my thoughts for company. All of which I am looking forward to.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Going....Somewhere?
Going....Somewhere?
Red Air. YES!! No flying? YES!! Stuck here for god knows how long? AWESOME!!! I fucking heart stupid weather. More money for me if we're here til the 1st. Go team.
"He was there alone but his teeth were far away, in her wrists. He rolled over and went to sleep. Toothless. Powerless."
So, now we don't know when we're leaving but by god we'll pretend like we're leaving today. G.I.ing the building and making sure everything is packed. We MAY even go sit on the air field in the middle of the sand storm just to make sure the charade is complete.
"He thought, "It's like an ember. Warm when it's by your hands but hellishly hot when swallowed. Burning inside you, charring your insides."
So, here I sit. And here I'll sit until this completely awesome sand storm blows over. Eventually, I will leave this place.
"He gave an arm to try and hold the outline with two. Always coming up short."
Red Air. YES!! No flying? YES!! Stuck here for god knows how long? AWESOME!!! I fucking heart stupid weather. More money for me if we're here til the 1st. Go team.
"He was there alone but his teeth were far away, in her wrists. He rolled over and went to sleep. Toothless. Powerless."
So, now we don't know when we're leaving but by god we'll pretend like we're leaving today. G.I.ing the building and making sure everything is packed. We MAY even go sit on the air field in the middle of the sand storm just to make sure the charade is complete.
"He thought, "It's like an ember. Warm when it's by your hands but hellishly hot when swallowed. Burning inside you, charring your insides."
So, here I sit. And here I'll sit until this completely awesome sand storm blows over. Eventually, I will leave this place.
"He gave an arm to try and hold the outline with two. Always coming up short."
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Error: Operator
Had to guard connexes tonight. No big deal. Got to go with my buddy Rob. Which made it a lot more tolerable. As ever, the conversation shifted to women, life, friendship, etc. Which is fun. Tonight, he said, "You know Johnny, you're pretty wise." Huh. Really? I don't think so. I usually feel pretty damn foolish. I guess tragedy and poor choices in your own life can be translated into wisdom for someone else. As long as it helps someone yeah?
I've got about two days left here. Then off to somewhere else in Iraq. Two or three days there and then Kuwait. I should have wireless there, so I can actually reply to email and such. Sorry for the lag in response time from me.
"This is where the party ends. Are you coming home?"
I'm looking forward to getting home for leave, but I really am sick of one of us always being deployed. I really really am a little pissed about not being able to spend time with my Dad. And yet again, my buddies won't get to meet him. Fuck man, when your Dad is not only the best Dad ever, but your best friend.. You've GOTTA show him off. :) Other than that gonna see my babies, go to a party or two, (Pooh...what's our theme?) and try and sleep. For about a week.
"Like Judas said, "Bro..Trust me!"
I've been having fun with making up quotes for historical figures. It's hilarious. Try it sometime. It's groovy. You picking up what I'm putting down?
21:32
I've got about two days left here. Then off to somewhere else in Iraq. Two or three days there and then Kuwait. I should have wireless there, so I can actually reply to email and such. Sorry for the lag in response time from me.
"This is where the party ends. Are you coming home?"
I'm looking forward to getting home for leave, but I really am sick of one of us always being deployed. I really really am a little pissed about not being able to spend time with my Dad. And yet again, my buddies won't get to meet him. Fuck man, when your Dad is not only the best Dad ever, but your best friend.. You've GOTTA show him off. :) Other than that gonna see my babies, go to a party or two, (Pooh...what's our theme?) and try and sleep. For about a week.
"Like Judas said, "Bro..Trust me!"
I've been having fun with making up quotes for historical figures. It's hilarious. Try it sometime. It's groovy. You picking up what I'm putting down?
21:32
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Survival Instinct.
Before they shut off the power today, watched a little bit a Shark Week on Digits. I fucking heart sharks. As I watched, I couldn't help but to think of a shark, swimming along. Fulfilling it's purpose. Streamlined and Direct. No Ballast. Just Dread Purpose. And then... They chum the water. They throw out a gorgeous chunk of mahi mahi with a ginormous hook in it. And that beautiful creature circles, circles, bites... And is FUCKED. Not literally. Well...not sexually I guess. Maybe actually literally. Choose your own ending.
They showed how the Japanese bait 'em and then hack their dorsal fins off, thus damning them to a slow, wretched death. It's all rather horrible.
So, I wondered how awesome it would be to have the underwater cameras rolling and just have the Shark look at the bait and then.... just keep cruising. I've seen it happen. I think... Like maybe once or twice. But in retrospect it was more than likely just widening it's circles before coming back in for the bait. Looking around. Unable to resist it's nature. Hooks tearing into it's mouth. Even the researchers hook 'em in the mouth. It's lose lose. I feel bad for sharks.
In other news, I conjectured about plurals, meanings, and a lot of what the fucks. But what can I do? It's my nature. Chomp.
They showed how the Japanese bait 'em and then hack their dorsal fins off, thus damning them to a slow, wretched death. It's all rather horrible.
So, I wondered how awesome it would be to have the underwater cameras rolling and just have the Shark look at the bait and then.... just keep cruising. I've seen it happen. I think... Like maybe once or twice. But in retrospect it was more than likely just widening it's circles before coming back in for the bait. Looking around. Unable to resist it's nature. Hooks tearing into it's mouth. Even the researchers hook 'em in the mouth. It's lose lose. I feel bad for sharks.
In other news, I conjectured about plurals, meanings, and a lot of what the fucks. But what can I do? It's my nature. Chomp.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Part Animal Part Machine
"Something isn't getting said. I don't know what or where... But, I've got a hunch..."
Detective novels are cool. I've now got some time to read, so it's the aforementioned, TM'S, and finishing the collection of Dostoyevsky's short stories. Yay!
"The answers were deliberate. Careful. Chosen with just enough leeway that it wouldn't raise suspicion. Especially since there was no denial. She took aim before firing her words...."
In other news... no more missions. I spent last night thinking and had a virtual conversation with my Daddy. It was grand. I feel about a million times better than I have in years. Like a million pounds lifted off my chest. I'm still a little giddy. Go Team Pull apart the Rubik's cube and put it back together with superglue. I'm off to eat, lift, mail, and clean my kit. There's no more shooting, but still I find myself incredibly busy. Go Figure. Someday, I'll sleep. I promise. Until then...Be yourselves. No matter what that brings.
"Let's dance through the minefield we've laid. We'll take great care to neither confirm nor deny and no one will see our dancing."
Detective novels are cool. I've now got some time to read, so it's the aforementioned, TM'S, and finishing the collection of Dostoyevsky's short stories. Yay!
"The answers were deliberate. Careful. Chosen with just enough leeway that it wouldn't raise suspicion. Especially since there was no denial. She took aim before firing her words...."
In other news... no more missions. I spent last night thinking and had a virtual conversation with my Daddy. It was grand. I feel about a million times better than I have in years. Like a million pounds lifted off my chest. I'm still a little giddy. Go Team Pull apart the Rubik's cube and put it back together with superglue. I'm off to eat, lift, mail, and clean my kit. There's no more shooting, but still I find myself incredibly busy. Go Figure. Someday, I'll sleep. I promise. Until then...Be yourselves. No matter what that brings.
"Let's dance through the minefield we've laid. We'll take great care to neither confirm nor deny and no one will see our dancing."
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Look Mommy!! BlenderMouth Man!
Tired. 48 hours out. Covered in sand fly bites. They are the freaking worst. I'm very tired. Of everything. I just want to go to Germany and cozy up with my girl. You know, the bottle.
"Your shoes hurt my ass."
I get it. Let me up, quit rubbing my nose in it. The past that is. It's been an odd week, and an even stranger month. I had a whole giant post to write last night/this morning as I laid in bed not sleeping. But then around 0200 I eventually fell asleep and forgot most of it by the time I woke up at 0400. So...oh well.
"There's no use saying sorry, so I'm trying not to speak."
Off to try and call my kids and my Mama.
"Your shoes hurt my ass."
I get it. Let me up, quit rubbing my nose in it. The past that is. It's been an odd week, and an even stranger month. I had a whole giant post to write last night/this morning as I laid in bed not sleeping. But then around 0200 I eventually fell asleep and forgot most of it by the time I woke up at 0400. So...oh well.
"There's no use saying sorry, so I'm trying not to speak."
Off to try and call my kids and my Mama.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Through these lessons you have learned...
I have roughly a quarter month left here. I'm feeling some mixed feelings about leaving. I'm pretty sure that sounds a little strange, but it is what it is. There is strangeness going on with my biggest baby which is making things a little bit rough around the edges here lately. But, I am powerless to do or change anything from here. So, that's awesome.
Now is the time where I start Christmas shopping. Over the Internet, which oddly just doesn't feel the same. But, again...choices are limited. But...I have some pretty awesomely telling gifts in mind. Here's to hoping I can actually find what I'm looking for.
Turns out I have a year left in Germany. Assuming I don't get the paperwork error fixed. I'm still trying to decide what I want to do with that. I reckon time will tell. Off to shower and drink coffee before today's ridiculous mission. And in the meantime I'll try and figure out how to parcel my time for leave. Go Team Me. Seriously, I have the coolest number on the team. Because I AM the fucking Team.
Today's blog was brought to you by "Reaping What You Sow" and the letter Nth.
Now is the time where I start Christmas shopping. Over the Internet, which oddly just doesn't feel the same. But, again...choices are limited. But...I have some pretty awesomely telling gifts in mind. Here's to hoping I can actually find what I'm looking for.
Turns out I have a year left in Germany. Assuming I don't get the paperwork error fixed. I'm still trying to decide what I want to do with that. I reckon time will tell. Off to shower and drink coffee before today's ridiculous mission. And in the meantime I'll try and figure out how to parcel my time for leave. Go Team Me. Seriously, I have the coolest number on the team. Because I AM the fucking Team.
Today's blog was brought to you by "Reaping What You Sow" and the letter Nth.
Friday, September 26, 2008
The Last Starfighter
On mission. Waiting to SP. Long night ahead. Chasing the Great White Whale as it were. Go officers. My Dad flew out today for Kuwait and I didn't get to talk to him due to our first mission hit time being pushed to the left. Fucking lame. Baby John's birthday was a few days ago. Year three I haven't been around for it. Fucking lame. I'm ready to come home.
I'm ready to see the boys again. I'm ready to maybe enjoy a beer or two. I'm ready to jump from skin to skin and run from this whole deployment. It's something to do I suppose. When the nerves are dead what's left to feel? An echo? A memory? A blood borne scream? Who knows? certainly not this guy.
So once again, not everyone will be home when I come home due to Death or deployment. And as it happens those that have died recently, I'd really, really, REALLY like to talk to. Make statements, ask questions, etc. Relate what my war was like. In general, the only person I really want to talk to about it all... Won't be home. Fuck.
So, it's off to mission number something hundred and just try to hold on for a another couple of weeks. And then...something. Nothing? Who knows? Yet another downside to coming home. But, that's a whole different story.
sleep tight. Sweet dreams, and all that jazz.
"Slowly the pen touches paper in the guidance of the words that you write.
Memories roll in; of the things you once did
and who you had shared them with is somebody thinking of you..."
I'm ready to see the boys again. I'm ready to maybe enjoy a beer or two. I'm ready to jump from skin to skin and run from this whole deployment. It's something to do I suppose. When the nerves are dead what's left to feel? An echo? A memory? A blood borne scream? Who knows? certainly not this guy.
So once again, not everyone will be home when I come home due to Death or deployment. And as it happens those that have died recently, I'd really, really, REALLY like to talk to. Make statements, ask questions, etc. Relate what my war was like. In general, the only person I really want to talk to about it all... Won't be home. Fuck.
So, it's off to mission number something hundred and just try to hold on for a another couple of weeks. And then...something. Nothing? Who knows? Yet another downside to coming home. But, that's a whole different story.
sleep tight. Sweet dreams, and all that jazz.
"Slowly the pen touches paper in the guidance of the words that you write.
Memories roll in; of the things you once did
and who you had shared them with is somebody thinking of you..."
Monday, September 15, 2008
Notes From Underground...
I love when we start packing. There are books. EVERYWHERE. Unfortunately, I'm short on space, so I can only grab a few. Here's a bit from the first one I grabbed.
"In vain the Dreamer rakes over his old dreams, as though seeking a spark among the embers, to fan them into flame, to warm his chilled heart by the rekindled fire, and to rouse up in it again all that was so sweet, that touched his heart, that set his blood boiling, drew tears from his eyes, and so luxuriously deceived him!"
WOW. Hello Nurse! This stuff is leaving me speechless. It's grand. Other than that I'm packing myself. And wondering where everybody went... I haven't heard from a lot of people in a long time. It's disconcerting.
I'm kind of apprehensive still about coming home. But I don't really get a choice in the matter. I want to come home more than anything and I don't. It's a really weird feeling and very, very hard to explain.
"It's all suicide if I hide.
Because you are everywhere I look and in my skin.
I taste your neck and lips just from breathing in.
Let's call it off, kid. "
"In vain the Dreamer rakes over his old dreams, as though seeking a spark among the embers, to fan them into flame, to warm his chilled heart by the rekindled fire, and to rouse up in it again all that was so sweet, that touched his heart, that set his blood boiling, drew tears from his eyes, and so luxuriously deceived him!"
WOW. Hello Nurse! This stuff is leaving me speechless. It's grand. Other than that I'm packing myself. And wondering where everybody went... I haven't heard from a lot of people in a long time. It's disconcerting.
I'm kind of apprehensive still about coming home. But I don't really get a choice in the matter. I want to come home more than anything and I don't. It's a really weird feeling and very, very hard to explain.
"It's all suicide if I hide.
Because you are everywhere I look and in my skin.
I taste your neck and lips just from breathing in.
Let's call it off, kid. "
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Dear Ambellina...
Reading The Amory Wars... Knowing what happened to the characters makes it even more satisfying.
"I will call you out from shelter. Burn your Wings, you'll know no better."
Not much else going on. Not a whole lot to say. Been reading and writing a lot. So, I started jotting down the dreams I've had since being on the ole nicotine patch as they apparently make my dreams memorable. So...that's nice? I don't know. I just write. So, at about a pace of 5 a pop here we go.
1000 Worlds.
World 1. I have a newborn daughter. My Dad, My Papa, and myself are standing in a rough circle looking at her as I hold her. We are talking about her name and how bad I'll spoil her. I tell them her name is for both of them. We are all smiling.
World 2. I drop the boys off at school. The elementary is Garfield, the same one went to as a child. It is exactly as I remember it. I take the kids to their classes and go to the latrine. As I'm washing my hands a woman walks in and asks me for money. I tell her I don't really have anything on me. She starts telling me about her last sexual encounter. I'm more than a little weirded out. I go home. I am apparently married. She has made coffee and is awake on the couch in a robe. I drink the coffee and lay on the couch with my head in her lap. She plays with my hair as I tell her about the morning. We playfully argue about the definition of a "Dirty Sanchez". She leans over to kiss me.
World 3. I'm in a firefight in our second sector in Baghdad. We are right at the edge of the Green Mile. I am running out of ammunition. I yell for more, but no one can hear me. I get pissed off. I start tearing off my kit and stand up. I say that I'm really, really tired.
World 4. I'm at the mall in Portland. I'm in the Sears looking at appliances. I realize that I don't know where the boys are. I start running through the store screaming for them. I know they have been kidnapped. I start dealing on people trying to slow me down. Every now and then I'll see one of the kids through the corner of my eye, but every time I turn to chase they are gone. I can't find them or catch up to them.
World 5. I'm back at the Mass Cas. I'm in the middle of the Urgent Cares. The little girl missing her legs and part of her face is staring at me. She tells me she is dying. I tell her I'm doing everything I can. But everything I try just makes it worse. All the other casualties start calling for me. The kids are trying to crawl off their stretchers as I'm strapping them down. Nothing I do works. There is blood all over me.
World 6. I'm in small white room. There are photographs covering the floor and 3 walls. I am handcuffed to a chair. After a while a nurse comes in. She grabs pictures and wraps them around her fists, like brass knuckles. She beats the crap out of me. I still can't move. She leaves. I sit trying to get loose. She comes back in and beats me again.
And now, for something completely different. A few selections from the last book I just read.
Rollins "Roomanitarian"
~Song of The Solipsist~
My scar tissue tells my tale. My name is not important. Only the truth I tell and the journey I have made are of any worth. The rest is just the sound of wind and boots stepping down endless trails of cinder, littered with bonesand scraps of metal.
You were the small brightly colored bird the boys incinerated their hearts upon. They loved you bitterly and called you a witch. You wanted to belong to someone. You found one but he tricked you and tore you like a sister's doll in a mean brother's hands and you became the hurricane child, spewing broken glass shards and cat blood. I tracked the blood drops through the snow and found you. You didn't fear me. We saw ourselves in each other and holstered our weapons.
Is there anything here I can call my own? A feeling? A moment? Anything? Will there ever be a time I am truly loved? When I'll know it and not wonder if it's real? Is there something I can protect and love and care about? Is there a truth I can keep that has no fear attached? Will there ever be a time I can be somewhere and it will feel like home? Will there ever be a time I can look around me and know I am finally in the place I am supposed to be? Is there anything here, anything I can see, while I breathe and breathe, trying to stay alive long enough to just be able to be here and know that I am here? Not just any here but the here I am supposed to be in. Is there anything I can call mine that will not eventually be taken from me? Is there anything, anyone, ever?
"I will call you out from shelter. Burn your Wings, you'll know no better."
Not much else going on. Not a whole lot to say. Been reading and writing a lot. So, I started jotting down the dreams I've had since being on the ole nicotine patch as they apparently make my dreams memorable. So...that's nice? I don't know. I just write. So, at about a pace of 5 a pop here we go.
1000 Worlds.
World 1. I have a newborn daughter. My Dad, My Papa, and myself are standing in a rough circle looking at her as I hold her. We are talking about her name and how bad I'll spoil her. I tell them her name is for both of them. We are all smiling.
World 2. I drop the boys off at school. The elementary is Garfield, the same one went to as a child. It is exactly as I remember it. I take the kids to their classes and go to the latrine. As I'm washing my hands a woman walks in and asks me for money. I tell her I don't really have anything on me. She starts telling me about her last sexual encounter. I'm more than a little weirded out. I go home. I am apparently married. She has made coffee and is awake on the couch in a robe. I drink the coffee and lay on the couch with my head in her lap. She plays with my hair as I tell her about the morning. We playfully argue about the definition of a "Dirty Sanchez". She leans over to kiss me.
World 3. I'm in a firefight in our second sector in Baghdad. We are right at the edge of the Green Mile. I am running out of ammunition. I yell for more, but no one can hear me. I get pissed off. I start tearing off my kit and stand up. I say that I'm really, really tired.
World 4. I'm at the mall in Portland. I'm in the Sears looking at appliances. I realize that I don't know where the boys are. I start running through the store screaming for them. I know they have been kidnapped. I start dealing on people trying to slow me down. Every now and then I'll see one of the kids through the corner of my eye, but every time I turn to chase they are gone. I can't find them or catch up to them.
World 5. I'm back at the Mass Cas. I'm in the middle of the Urgent Cares. The little girl missing her legs and part of her face is staring at me. She tells me she is dying. I tell her I'm doing everything I can. But everything I try just makes it worse. All the other casualties start calling for me. The kids are trying to crawl off their stretchers as I'm strapping them down. Nothing I do works. There is blood all over me.
World 6. I'm in small white room. There are photographs covering the floor and 3 walls. I am handcuffed to a chair. After a while a nurse comes in. She grabs pictures and wraps them around her fists, like brass knuckles. She beats the crap out of me. I still can't move. She leaves. I sit trying to get loose. She comes back in and beats me again.
And now, for something completely different. A few selections from the last book I just read.
Rollins "Roomanitarian"
~Song of The Solipsist~
My scar tissue tells my tale. My name is not important. Only the truth I tell and the journey I have made are of any worth. The rest is just the sound of wind and boots stepping down endless trails of cinder, littered with bonesand scraps of metal.
You were the small brightly colored bird the boys incinerated their hearts upon. They loved you bitterly and called you a witch. You wanted to belong to someone. You found one but he tricked you and tore you like a sister's doll in a mean brother's hands and you became the hurricane child, spewing broken glass shards and cat blood. I tracked the blood drops through the snow and found you. You didn't fear me. We saw ourselves in each other and holstered our weapons.
Is there anything here I can call my own? A feeling? A moment? Anything? Will there ever be a time I am truly loved? When I'll know it and not wonder if it's real? Is there something I can protect and love and care about? Is there a truth I can keep that has no fear attached? Will there ever be a time I can be somewhere and it will feel like home? Will there ever be a time I can look around me and know I am finally in the place I am supposed to be? Is there anything here, anything I can see, while I breathe and breathe, trying to stay alive long enough to just be able to be here and know that I am here? Not just any here but the here I am supposed to be in. Is there anything I can call mine that will not eventually be taken from me? Is there anything, anyone, ever?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Bruise Pristine
So today my laptop AND my ps3 crapped out. YES! Both were for playing music and such primarily with work following up on the ole laptop. However, that's a lot of frustration and expensive at that. Eh....What can you do?
Today was meetings all around with various Iraqis and then destruction derby with their little cars versus our Stryker. Much to the captains displeasure, we won. Oh well. Since we can't do "warning shots" anymore that's the only way they'll learn. This country is so lucky I don't run this shindig. Or rather, unlucky I don't run it. Oh well, another what can you do kind of thing.
"You're the Truth, Not I."
Now I miss dinner for another monthly awesome ammo layout. Still kinda pissed off about some things but, people, much like situations are a what can you do type of thing. What can you do? Nothing. And every minute you spend thinking about the things and people that irritate and confound you is just empowering them to do it more. You give them sanction to abuse you. So don't do. Burn them in your mind. Burn that effigy and walk on. What else can you do other than sit locked in the basement of your mind if you won't shred them and move on to bigger and better things/people/situations?
And then off to another fun filled 24 hour mission. YES! 24 hours of blood and sweat. Can't beat it with a stick. Well.. you could if the heat wasn't making you want to just lay down and die. Oh well. What can you do right?
Today was meetings all around with various Iraqis and then destruction derby with their little cars versus our Stryker. Much to the captains displeasure, we won. Oh well. Since we can't do "warning shots" anymore that's the only way they'll learn. This country is so lucky I don't run this shindig. Or rather, unlucky I don't run it. Oh well, another what can you do kind of thing.
"You're the Truth, Not I."
Now I miss dinner for another monthly awesome ammo layout. Still kinda pissed off about some things but, people, much like situations are a what can you do type of thing. What can you do? Nothing. And every minute you spend thinking about the things and people that irritate and confound you is just empowering them to do it more. You give them sanction to abuse you. So don't do. Burn them in your mind. Burn that effigy and walk on. What else can you do other than sit locked in the basement of your mind if you won't shred them and move on to bigger and better things/people/situations?
And then off to another fun filled 24 hour mission. YES! 24 hours of blood and sweat. Can't beat it with a stick. Well.. you could if the heat wasn't making you want to just lay down and die. Oh well. What can you do right?
Seize The Day
Things continue to be pretty lame this week which is hard to pull off when pretty much every week is lame. But, it's sadly things that are far beyond my reach even if I weren't in Iraq. What can I do? Why am I being forced to fail my children?
In other news I am a Robot. But contrary to popular belief not the cool, coldly logical one sent from the future to kill Sarah Connor. More akin to the cute wind up ones that you crank up and let walk into walls. Pretty fitting metaphor methinks. Look at my big shiny Turnkey. Non slip grips. Just yank and twist. WHEEEEE!!! There he goes!
Lately I've been smoking again which bums me out. I was pretty pleased about quitting and am rather disappointed that I have pseudo started up again. I'm working through quitting again. We'll see how that goes. Today (being 0300..) will find me with a cup of coffee in hand hoping that no one else is in my head. And if you are.... Get Evicted.
"Have a good time, but don't get into my head."
And with so little time remaining I'm off to start the coffee pot and while cursing no sleep in 48 hours am thankful I won't be drinking this cup in 140 degree heat as it's about 0245 right now. So goodnight to you folks who are headed to bed and good morning to those leaving it.
"This one, this one right here. This was MY dream, MY wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back. "
In other news I am a Robot. But contrary to popular belief not the cool, coldly logical one sent from the future to kill Sarah Connor. More akin to the cute wind up ones that you crank up and let walk into walls. Pretty fitting metaphor methinks. Look at my big shiny Turnkey. Non slip grips. Just yank and twist. WHEEEEE!!! There he goes!
Lately I've been smoking again which bums me out. I was pretty pleased about quitting and am rather disappointed that I have pseudo started up again. I'm working through quitting again. We'll see how that goes. Today (being 0300..) will find me with a cup of coffee in hand hoping that no one else is in my head. And if you are.... Get Evicted.
"Have a good time, but don't get into my head."
And with so little time remaining I'm off to start the coffee pot and while cursing no sleep in 48 hours am thankful I won't be drinking this cup in 140 degree heat as it's about 0245 right now. So goodnight to you folks who are headed to bed and good morning to those leaving it.
"This one, this one right here. This was MY dream, MY wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back. "
Monday, September 1, 2008
Laugh before you Grin.
So.... I accidentally started smoking again. Damn it. I'm pretty disappointed with myself, so I know I'm gonna quit again, but still kinda irritated that I smoked again in the first place. Not much else to say. Still spending my days tearing myself up and wanting to scream in peoples' faces. What can you do? Found out that I'm slotted to go back to the 82nd. Really, Really, Really dreading that. I have no desire to jump again. Ever.
Off to work again. Yay. Go team Save Iraq!
Off to work again. Yay. Go team Save Iraq!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Another Day.
So, I relapsed. Not happy about it. Gonna have to go through withdrawals all over again. Oh well. It is what it is. Not much else going on. Still looking into things. Still not liking games or being played. Still have the same easy to push buttons I've always had.
Still wonder about the changes I've gone through since I was twenty. It's amazing to see what kind of beatings and blessings can come down the road.
"I've got a restraining order against Satan's Daughter. I keep it at the bottom of this Jameson and Water."
I've got mixed feelings about going home. I was really looking forward to having some time to sit and talk with my Dad. And that's not gonna happen now. I've also been thinking about my Mother lately and all the answers I'll never get now that she's gone. All rather morose. Blah.
There's a lot of baggage involved in going home. I'm still considering contracting. As much as this sometimes sucks, there is an addictive quality to it. A release of something primal. And the fear that you can't turn it off. But, that's a little much for this forum. Anywho.
It's off to bed as I've been up for 24 again. And will be apparently every 3 days until I leave this place. YAY!!!
Still wonder about the changes I've gone through since I was twenty. It's amazing to see what kind of beatings and blessings can come down the road.
"I've got a restraining order against Satan's Daughter. I keep it at the bottom of this Jameson and Water."
I've got mixed feelings about going home. I was really looking forward to having some time to sit and talk with my Dad. And that's not gonna happen now. I've also been thinking about my Mother lately and all the answers I'll never get now that she's gone. All rather morose. Blah.
There's a lot of baggage involved in going home. I'm still considering contracting. As much as this sometimes sucks, there is an addictive quality to it. A release of something primal. And the fear that you can't turn it off. But, that's a little much for this forum. Anywho.
It's off to bed as I've been up for 24 again. And will be apparently every 3 days until I leave this place. YAY!!!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Where You Can’t Follow
Still kind of drained. Still working with the shyster reenlistment guy. Still trying to PCS in Feb. Still hating this unit.
Atlas Shrugged may in fact have some of the most brilliantly Romantic writing in it. EVAR. Yeah, Ever with an A.
I keep trying to wake up at 0400 to transcribe and make phone calls, but I'm so drained as of late, I wake up but then cannot force myself out of bed. I'll try again tonight.
For a moment today, my Loneliness became my loneliness and tried to swallow me. I didn't let it. I ignored it's cold company and wrapped my arms around Solitude and One.
I've started yet ANOTHER paper journal as the one from the beginning of this tour got lost/destroyed. Well... it melted so half of it got lost and the other half got destroyed. It was cursed anyways. Every time I mailed a letter with it, they never got there. Spooky huh?
Not much else to say... But, I'm tired and mostly drug free...
SO....FREE WRITE!!!!
He never understood her perception of him. Of them. Every touch, every look, every time the world stopped and exploded, it was never the same for them both. A temple built upon the principles of Lust sat in the distance but he never entered. Only stared at it in wonder. And while she worshiped, he sat in stony silence, weeping at his loss of words. "This has never happened to me before. Never have I not been able to express what is in my mind or in my Heart.", He said. She smiled her smile and grasped his hand. Looking into his eyes, she spoke, "Worry not Lover, You need no words to feel this. To feel Me. Come and worship at my temple."
He followed her silently wondering if ever he could speak what he was thinking. If he couldn't say anything, then damn it all, he'd give her Everything. She looked into his eyes and said, "This will burn us out." He thought, "No Angel, this will keep us warm".
He knew that he would have bargained with the Devil for just one more day, one more time of seeing her sleeping face. One more day of greeting her at the door with a flower. Just one more day of keeping her safe, keeping her happy. Just one more day. One more lifetime. No touch ever the same, no kiss more cherished or special. No time ever wasted. No two ever so lucky. And never would be again.
And after it all, a thousand miles away, weeping sand and glass, a bitter harvest in his mind, he looked in his secret pocket and saw a frozen flame. Burning forever motionless. His to hold. His to Protect. His to cherish.
He looked West and spoke, "You have Everything, You have taken it. And what you do or have done with it, is only for you to know." He pocketed his treasure, his paradise lost, and walked into the long, dark night.
Atlas Shrugged may in fact have some of the most brilliantly Romantic writing in it. EVAR. Yeah, Ever with an A.
I keep trying to wake up at 0400 to transcribe and make phone calls, but I'm so drained as of late, I wake up but then cannot force myself out of bed. I'll try again tonight.
For a moment today, my Loneliness became my loneliness and tried to swallow me. I didn't let it. I ignored it's cold company and wrapped my arms around Solitude and One.
I've started yet ANOTHER paper journal as the one from the beginning of this tour got lost/destroyed. Well... it melted so half of it got lost and the other half got destroyed. It was cursed anyways. Every time I mailed a letter with it, they never got there. Spooky huh?
Not much else to say... But, I'm tired and mostly drug free...
SO....FREE WRITE!!!!
He never understood her perception of him. Of them. Every touch, every look, every time the world stopped and exploded, it was never the same for them both. A temple built upon the principles of Lust sat in the distance but he never entered. Only stared at it in wonder. And while she worshiped, he sat in stony silence, weeping at his loss of words. "This has never happened to me before. Never have I not been able to express what is in my mind or in my Heart.", He said. She smiled her smile and grasped his hand. Looking into his eyes, she spoke, "Worry not Lover, You need no words to feel this. To feel Me. Come and worship at my temple."
He followed her silently wondering if ever he could speak what he was thinking. If he couldn't say anything, then damn it all, he'd give her Everything. She looked into his eyes and said, "This will burn us out." He thought, "No Angel, this will keep us warm".
He knew that he would have bargained with the Devil for just one more day, one more time of seeing her sleeping face. One more day of greeting her at the door with a flower. Just one more day of keeping her safe, keeping her happy. Just one more day. One more lifetime. No touch ever the same, no kiss more cherished or special. No time ever wasted. No two ever so lucky. And never would be again.
And after it all, a thousand miles away, weeping sand and glass, a bitter harvest in his mind, he looked in his secret pocket and saw a frozen flame. Burning forever motionless. His to hold. His to Protect. His to cherish.
He looked West and spoke, "You have Everything, You have taken it. And what you do or have done with it, is only for you to know." He pocketed his treasure, his paradise lost, and walked into the long, dark night.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Training Wheels
I don't know what to say. I'm so tired I'm ready to fall over but I have to eat something first in theory. People keep telling me food matters. So here I am. I've got handcuff eyeballs and a t-shirt that says "no fair". I'm dehydrated, exhausted, and somehow still investigating things that itch at my mind. My mind is thirsty for more. So pour on the abuse. Cause I'm never done. I never quit. I DO however get confused. A little lost, and occasionally trapped in gossamer and dream stuff. So off to the slop they feed me every now and then. perhaps some "hawg wrasslin", and maybe.... just maybe... Some nice, pitch black, quiet, non-maddening sleep.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
It’s In Your Blood.
I can't say a lot today because I'm shaking apart.
So you get a list.
Around 45 days left and we are still losing people.
Like today.
How do you put the people we have lost in the wrong unit in their memorial?
And not include all of them?
Why do I have a big red button that you can push so easily?
Why does being ignored bother me so fucking much?
Why am I on the verge of screaming or crying?
And all I'm doing is reading and trying to relax.
Why can't I let shit go?
Even after it's thrown me away?
What am I doing here?
What am I doing anywhere?
More later as I continue to push through "Atlas Shrugged". Later.
So you get a list.
Around 45 days left and we are still losing people.
Like today.
How do you put the people we have lost in the wrong unit in their memorial?
And not include all of them?
Why do I have a big red button that you can push so easily?
Why does being ignored bother me so fucking much?
Why am I on the verge of screaming or crying?
And all I'm doing is reading and trying to relax.
Why can't I let shit go?
Even after it's thrown me away?
What am I doing here?
What am I doing anywhere?
More later as I continue to push through "Atlas Shrugged". Later.
Friday, August 22, 2008
I think this late in the game...
"....I should have known..."
Sex flavored dreams should not be happening to me.
The cigarette fairy should not be leaving unwanted packs of cigarettes near where I wake up.
We should not be doing longer missions than when we were in Baghdad.
And a bunch of other stuff. But for now off to shave, brush chiclets, make coffee, and resist temptation.
"You seem to take premise to all of these songs..."
Sex flavored dreams should not be happening to me.
The cigarette fairy should not be leaving unwanted packs of cigarettes near where I wake up.
We should not be doing longer missions than when we were in Baghdad.
And a bunch of other stuff. But for now off to shave, brush chiclets, make coffee, and resist temptation.
"You seem to take premise to all of these songs..."
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Me Vs. You
A lot of people don't understand men and women. It's really quite simple. It's all the same shit. All that may differ are choices, actions, and reactions. It's simple if you cut the bullshit emotion out of it. And of course a lot of folks quit asking the questions that burn and choke because they know the only answer they'll get is the backhand and silence.
"You're so kind when it serves you well. You're So kind when... it serves you well, your cruelty."
I make no claims to understand the what? Science? Chemistry? Pheromones? Bizarre Ritual? Self Destructiveness? that is men and women. In all this time, all I've really learned is to be really fucking careful, Always go for the throat, trust nothing, and be prepared for betrayal and abandonment at every turn. It's like a survival kit. As long as you keep these things in mind, you should have a leg up on your opposite number. Regardless of gender. I'm not saying constantly look over your shoulder, but more like this. If you are going camping way out in the mountains... Be aware that there are bears and shit out there. Does it mean you're gonna get mauled by a kodiak? No. But you could.
Did the Devil say to you, "You can make it through. I'll take you to the top."
I may never know the answers. Because like so many others, my questions are answered with silence as well. So why bother asking the questions to others? You can ask yourself why you asked someone else in the first place. You can slam yourself over and over again into the same wall that has stopped you so many nights. And maybe, one day, it'll give. Who knows? Some of us are fated to burn. That's it. That's all. It's better that way for everyone else. Others aren't. Some settle. Complacency isn't just something on the battlefield. Some settle. Some don't. Some shift like sand. Others are solid. Everyone's different. Everyone's the same. That's the trick of it.
"It's a sign of devotion. You made everybody else seem insane.
You filled my head with your notions, you made everybody else seem so tame.
In your bed I lay reeling, You made everybody else seem a shame.
I knew from the way I was feeling, nothing could ever be quite the same.
I moved straight into your shoes. I took up your cause and answered your phone
I couldn't really imagine.... what life was like when I was alone."
And that's the rub. Be alone or don't. Be with someone or don't. Do what you're gonna fucking do because it's all you fucking get. Believe it. I've seen it firsthand too many times. Just do what you're gonna do. Believe what you like and wound when you must. Scar tissue will get you farther than soft skin any day. Bank on it.
I had a refit today and q.r.f. got put on stand down so we had some free time. So I got some writing time. Thank the letter K and preparations for Ramadan for this Blog. So cuddle up with cold logic and hot black coffee, curl around that sun that whips your back and grinds the sweat from your bones daily. Wait for your next go around in this wonderful Hell that welcomed your soul like a long lost lover. It's the only one you have.
"You're so kind when it serves you well. You're So kind when... it serves you well, your cruelty."
I make no claims to understand the what? Science? Chemistry? Pheromones? Bizarre Ritual? Self Destructiveness? that is men and women. In all this time, all I've really learned is to be really fucking careful, Always go for the throat, trust nothing, and be prepared for betrayal and abandonment at every turn. It's like a survival kit. As long as you keep these things in mind, you should have a leg up on your opposite number. Regardless of gender. I'm not saying constantly look over your shoulder, but more like this. If you are going camping way out in the mountains... Be aware that there are bears and shit out there. Does it mean you're gonna get mauled by a kodiak? No. But you could.
Did the Devil say to you, "You can make it through. I'll take you to the top."
I may never know the answers. Because like so many others, my questions are answered with silence as well. So why bother asking the questions to others? You can ask yourself why you asked someone else in the first place. You can slam yourself over and over again into the same wall that has stopped you so many nights. And maybe, one day, it'll give. Who knows? Some of us are fated to burn. That's it. That's all. It's better that way for everyone else. Others aren't. Some settle. Complacency isn't just something on the battlefield. Some settle. Some don't. Some shift like sand. Others are solid. Everyone's different. Everyone's the same. That's the trick of it.
"It's a sign of devotion. You made everybody else seem insane.
You filled my head with your notions, you made everybody else seem so tame.
In your bed I lay reeling, You made everybody else seem a shame.
I knew from the way I was feeling, nothing could ever be quite the same.
I moved straight into your shoes. I took up your cause and answered your phone
I couldn't really imagine.... what life was like when I was alone."
And that's the rub. Be alone or don't. Be with someone or don't. Do what you're gonna fucking do because it's all you fucking get. Believe it. I've seen it firsthand too many times. Just do what you're gonna do. Believe what you like and wound when you must. Scar tissue will get you farther than soft skin any day. Bank on it.
I had a refit today and q.r.f. got put on stand down so we had some free time. So I got some writing time. Thank the letter K and preparations for Ramadan for this Blog. So cuddle up with cold logic and hot black coffee, curl around that sun that whips your back and grinds the sweat from your bones daily. Wait for your next go around in this wonderful Hell that welcomed your soul like a long lost lover. It's the only one you have.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Work In Progress.
"Fuck my country, I can think of at LEAST ten other things I'd rather see right off the bat. But, that's a story for another time. The same old story even." ~Me. Right Now.~
Short pointless mission today. No, I mean really pointless. My job is to no longer, "close with and kill the enemy in close quarters." It is to close with and provide banking oppurtunities to the enemy with 0% apr if you act now! Close with and clean for the enemy. Customer Service is the key!*
*to winning this insurgency.
Another ticket down. 1589 so far. And still 3 tickets to buy. YES!!!!
All day long, "Found And Lost" ricocheting through my cranium. I could hazard a guess, but who knows with me anymore? I don't. Or at least, say I don't. Who knows? I believe in Nothing. Not even gravity.
Mainly the last few days, weeks, minutes (?) have been spent thinking about what I want. And why. The who, what,where and when of it. All for Naught. 'Cause that's what I do.
"My Hair is fabulous Baby, yeah, you can touch it. But keep your fucking mitts away from the Heart. It's Fragile."
I'm ready to eat, ready to plan, ready to sleep, ready to be cheap, ready to wake up and see the sun and hate myself in the morning. I just have to suffer through this last bit. Live Through This, Motherfucker! And then it's all downhill to my next deployment. Yeah. The next one. YES!
Short pointless mission today. No, I mean really pointless. My job is to no longer, "close with and kill the enemy in close quarters." It is to close with and provide banking oppurtunities to the enemy with 0% apr if you act now! Close with and clean for the enemy. Customer Service is the key!*
*to winning this insurgency.
Another ticket down. 1589 so far. And still 3 tickets to buy. YES!!!!
All day long, "Found And Lost" ricocheting through my cranium. I could hazard a guess, but who knows with me anymore? I don't. Or at least, say I don't. Who knows? I believe in Nothing. Not even gravity.
Mainly the last few days, weeks, minutes (?) have been spent thinking about what I want. And why. The who, what,where and when of it. All for Naught. 'Cause that's what I do.
"My Hair is fabulous Baby, yeah, you can touch it. But keep your fucking mitts away from the Heart. It's Fragile."
I'm ready to eat, ready to plan, ready to sleep, ready to be cheap, ready to wake up and see the sun and hate myself in the morning. I just have to suffer through this last bit. Live Through This, Motherfucker! And then it's all downhill to my next deployment. Yeah. The next one. YES!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
I don’t remember what it’s like to not feel like the walking dead.
"But every mourning, when the light
Comes creeping in around my eyes
Another future falls behind the one I had I mind."
When I ever do sleep, that's eerily accurate. But, I think perhaps it's accurate for a lot of folks anymore. I spend a lot of time anymore in thought. At work, in thought. At work trying not to think. It's like life.
I want to sleep but it's not happening during this 48 hour period. Go Team Efficiency. Or lack of it. It's whatever. My Ex wife gets paid for this. Ha. Gotta stay positive. Or some such nonsense. I don't know. I don't think I'll know until it's time to come back here again. That's where my head lives.
There's more. Cause there's always more. But, one of these days, I'll learn to keep something for myself.
Comes creeping in around my eyes
Another future falls behind the one I had I mind."
When I ever do sleep, that's eerily accurate. But, I think perhaps it's accurate for a lot of folks anymore. I spend a lot of time anymore in thought. At work, in thought. At work trying not to think. It's like life.
I want to sleep but it's not happening during this 48 hour period. Go Team Efficiency. Or lack of it. It's whatever. My Ex wife gets paid for this. Ha. Gotta stay positive. Or some such nonsense. I don't know. I don't think I'll know until it's time to come back here again. That's where my head lives.
There's more. Cause there's always more. But, one of these days, I'll learn to keep something for myself.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Legacy
Sometimes, I sit and wonder if anything I've ever done has mattered at all. Barring a world changing destiny (ala: Einstein, Oppenheimer, napoleon, Ghengis khan, Hitler etc.) we wonder if anything we've ever done matters. What have I left my children beyond a name? What have I left anyone else? Have I done anything that has actually mattered? And while we ask this... Someone somewhere is painting us a picture with their blood. Screaming our names into a hot desert night, where the stars are tears, and the dust chokes the throat.
We wonder about our fingerprints lingering without ever realizing that our fingers held the force of a hammer strike, that the touch seared the soul like lightning. And all the while we remain blind to the truth. That while we wander, wondering about our fingerprints... There are people wondering, who wander after our footsteps. Just wanting a glimpse of that place revealed in the eyes, in the touch, in the breath that crossed our neck.
"Maybe, you were never really real to begin with... I just made you up to hurt myself."
We wonder about our fingerprints lingering without ever realizing that our fingers held the force of a hammer strike, that the touch seared the soul like lightning. And all the while we remain blind to the truth. That while we wander, wondering about our fingerprints... There are people wondering, who wander after our footsteps. Just wanting a glimpse of that place revealed in the eyes, in the touch, in the breath that crossed our neck.
"Maybe, you were never really real to begin with... I just made you up to hurt myself."
Thursday, August 7, 2008
When it’s this quiet...
It's Especially satisfying to scream, "Don't forget to go fuck yourself!" at the top of your lungs.
Friday, July 25, 2008
You want to what?
So, I guess the first 10 hours of my day weren't a complete waste of time. awake at 0230, mission so on and so forth blah blah blah, end up at the I.A. headquarters. Where, while pulling security an Iraqi soldier very politely told he he was in fact homosexual, and also would like to blow me. I very politely declined. Then he took 15 minutes of my life away telling me about his wife and child and asking if I was married or had kids. Well, it was humorous at least. I hope the second 10 hours of my day are somewhat funny as well.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Any station this net, any station this net.
Another year past. Another 365 days gone. And really, nothings changed. Everything's changed? How do you look at it? Life continues to deal it's hand whether you are ready to call, raise, or fold. It never changes.
"I know, you love the song but not the singer.
I know, you've got me wrapped around your finger.
I know, you want the sin without the sinner."
90 days til we start ripping. That will be nice. And of course the question is always where to from here? What do you do with what you've done? Where can you go? What will you be? I discovered all too often that I've become socially unacceptable around regular people. I can't relate. Or they can't. It scares them away. Friends look at you like you're an alien. I know I'll be back here again soon. I'm thinking maybe that's for the best.
So, I suppose this year I mainly rediscovered things about my self that I already knew. I suppose I changed a little, but I think for the most part the world I left behind kept changing without me. That's hard to deal with a lot of times. Other times, you just shrug and say fuck it.
"I know, you cut me loose from contradiction
I know, I'm all wrapped up in sweet attrition
I know, it's asking for your benediction"
So, until next time.
Battle Roster Number Romeo Juliet 3612 reporting Negative Contact.
Battle Roster Number Romeo Juliet 3612 Out.
"I know, you love the song but not the singer.
I know, you've got me wrapped around your finger.
I know, you want the sin without the sinner."
90 days til we start ripping. That will be nice. And of course the question is always where to from here? What do you do with what you've done? Where can you go? What will you be? I discovered all too often that I've become socially unacceptable around regular people. I can't relate. Or they can't. It scares them away. Friends look at you like you're an alien. I know I'll be back here again soon. I'm thinking maybe that's for the best.
So, I suppose this year I mainly rediscovered things about my self that I already knew. I suppose I changed a little, but I think for the most part the world I left behind kept changing without me. That's hard to deal with a lot of times. Other times, you just shrug and say fuck it.
"I know, you cut me loose from contradiction
I know, I'm all wrapped up in sweet attrition
I know, it's asking for your benediction"
So, until next time.
Battle Roster Number Romeo Juliet 3612 reporting Negative Contact.
Battle Roster Number Romeo Juliet 3612 Out.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Year 3
"Every cloud is grey, with dreams of yesterday."
So this is how 31 tastes... The same as last year. And the year before. The exterior at least matches the interior this year. So, that's a plus I guess. All I really wanted this year were some words. But that's what I want every year. Or answers. Or possibly for Justice to let me go to work with him. He guards the gate what holds the Ninjas.
"Every sky is blue, but not for me and you."
On the plus side, one of my friends promised me a sweet theme party at our (yeah, I said ours. So there.) local bar. So, that's sweet. At the moment though I'm at a loss for themes. Possibly broken, bitter, disillusioned soldier comes home to angrily drink whiskey sours. OR....Horny Animal Man unleashed in Portland to sow seed where ever he can. That's all I've got so far. OR maybe Tex Avery. I'm a big fan of Tex Avery.
So this is how 31 tastes... The same as last year. And the year before. The exterior at least matches the interior this year. So, that's a plus I guess. All I really wanted this year were some words. But that's what I want every year. Or answers. Or possibly for Justice to let me go to work with him. He guards the gate what holds the Ninjas.
"Every sky is blue, but not for me and you."
On the plus side, one of my friends promised me a sweet theme party at our (yeah, I said ours. So there.) local bar. So, that's sweet. At the moment though I'm at a loss for themes. Possibly broken, bitter, disillusioned soldier comes home to angrily drink whiskey sours. OR....Horny Animal Man unleashed in Portland to sow seed where ever he can. That's all I've got so far. OR maybe Tex Avery. I'm a big fan of Tex Avery.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Another Day, Another Dinar
"Leave me dreaming on the bed. See you right back here tomorrow, for the next round."
AC finally fixed. First real sleep I've had in a week. Not much else to report. Still doing rather stupid stuff on a day to day basis. Got in trouble for exiting the Stryker without a helmet on. oops. I didn't feel I was in any danger. So fuck it. But, whatever. Apparently there's rules or something. In other news...there really isn't any other news. I've had a lot on my mind the last month or two and I'm not sure if it's getting better or worse.
"Just tonight, I would lay here for you. Just tonight, I would sink here for you."
Dreams lately when I can remember them have been....weird. I don't know how to explain them....they are scenarios of things that could happen when I get home. But with the worst possible outcome. And they are not so unbelievable that they couldn't happen. Well some of them. Others feature players I'll never see again due to death or distance. But, somehow that doesn't remove the weight of it.
"Ole' Scratch has dealt us a dirty hand..."
My brand new ipod fried. Motherfucker. 4 days in and the motherfucker fries. They are SO lucky I don't decide policy for this conflict. It'd be over by now. This region would be safe, secure, and profitable. But, then again....what do I know?
AC finally fixed. First real sleep I've had in a week. Not much else to report. Still doing rather stupid stuff on a day to day basis. Got in trouble for exiting the Stryker without a helmet on. oops. I didn't feel I was in any danger. So fuck it. But, whatever. Apparently there's rules or something. In other news...there really isn't any other news. I've had a lot on my mind the last month or two and I'm not sure if it's getting better or worse.
"Just tonight, I would lay here for you. Just tonight, I would sink here for you."
Dreams lately when I can remember them have been....weird. I don't know how to explain them....they are scenarios of things that could happen when I get home. But with the worst possible outcome. And they are not so unbelievable that they couldn't happen. Well some of them. Others feature players I'll never see again due to death or distance. But, somehow that doesn't remove the weight of it.
"Ole' Scratch has dealt us a dirty hand..."
My brand new ipod fried. Motherfucker. 4 days in and the motherfucker fries. They are SO lucky I don't decide policy for this conflict. It'd be over by now. This region would be safe, secure, and profitable. But, then again....what do I know?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Come Home
"Harder! Faster! Forever After!"
My air conditioner broke. That's why I'm here at 4 in the morning. I didn't get much sleep, what little I did get was plagued by strange, troubling dreams, that now I can't really remember other than the vague sense of unease. Maybe today they'll come out and fix the shit. It's fucking insane but it's cooler OUTSIDE than in my tiny tiny room.
"Throw yourself from Skin to Skin and still it doesn't seem to dull the pain."
Time to go lay on one of the makeshift benches out back and wait for work to start. Yay.
My air conditioner broke. That's why I'm here at 4 in the morning. I didn't get much sleep, what little I did get was plagued by strange, troubling dreams, that now I can't really remember other than the vague sense of unease. Maybe today they'll come out and fix the shit. It's fucking insane but it's cooler OUTSIDE than in my tiny tiny room.
"Throw yourself from Skin to Skin and still it doesn't seem to dull the pain."
Time to go lay on one of the makeshift benches out back and wait for work to start. Yay.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Solitary Refinement
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my life. The choices I've made, the situations that I've had thrust on me and those that I thrust myself into. It's been a pretty heavy couple of days, to say the least. Lately, I've been feeling forgotten, abandoned, and just Gone. I think it's a side effect of being here so long. I'm rational enough to realize that real life continues in the real world, but emotional enough that I still miss a few folks. I'm still working on that. I've thought a lot about betrayals. Old and New. Ones that have been perpetrated on me, and those I've perpetrated. I think that perhaps there is dividing line between intentional and unintentional. But then again, what do I know?
"I am one time, I am right here, I am what's left, I am right now.
I remain burned beyond recognition."
As of it late, I've been thinking about the number of people I can 100% trust, no questions asked. That number is surprisingly low. Or is it surprising? I think my innate fear of heartbreak and abandonment has made me very wary of people of general. A couple of months ago, I had some pretty startling revelations thrust on me, and while I wasn't surprised at the time, it certainly planted that seed of Doubt. That creeping crawling Shadow that whispers sybilantly, "If This could happen....What's Sacred? What's Taboo? What WON'T happen?" So, I've been wrestling with that as I realized what one of my worst possible fears could be. But in keeping with my surprisingly weird superstitious streak, I don't give voice to it. Bad Mojo. It stays locked in my mind, and possibly the Ether. Possibly Your mind. Who knows?
So lately I've been trying to overcome my crushing loneliness. I'm not sure anymore whether I'm ruggedly individualistic or just incredibly isolated. I felt a great desire recently for someone, and now... I don't know, it's still there but the potential for heartache is present and I'm trying to avoid that. It frightened me pretty good because I haven't actively felt that way about someone for a while now. But, as in all things, I presume the feelings were not mutual. And it was all a potential to begin with. And getting twisted up over it, is just... I don't know? Careless?
"Eyes Wide Open, Eyes So Blind, to the Prison on the Inside, the Prison in the Mind."
And then there's the ever present undertow that's always there whenever I'm not paying attention, it pulls me under instead of just gently pulling at me for attention. And I've discovered that, that particular situation, is like an emotional black hole. I throw emotion into it and it's just...Gone. Silent, Cold, Empty. And then as always is my overdeveloped, hyper aware, sometimes ironic, sometimes dead on sometimes way off sense of alertness, supposition, I don't know? Betrayal Radar? Paranoia Gauge? I don't even know what to call it. But I'm extremely worried and at the same time chiding myself for my current suspicions. Who knows?
On the plus side, I got to talk to the Boys today. So, that was good. I try and stay positive about that. I feel like it's my last real tether to anything, and it's a tenuous one at best. I really wish I could spend more time with them. I feel like I've been cheated out of everything about their lives, and that's a hard trip to deal with. I've started researching adoption again for some point in the future, so hopefully that will pan out. I've been trying to get everything arranged for once this tour is over as well as knock out more school. But the combination of those mixed with work and my nightly 2 to 3 hours of sleep is wearing me pretty thin. But, that's okay. I'm learning to push through again, it helps with the clarity.
War Within, War Without, War Never Ending.
I feel more and more that as the years stack up, that maybe I'm supposed to be alone. I won't lie and say that I've learned magically to not wrestle with loneliness and the desire to be close to someone, to have someone really know me. But, being alone means that I don't have to deal with games and head trips. And while loneliness is crushing, the alternative can be so much more painful. It would turn the slow drip into a massive laceration. And who needs that?
"I am one time, I am right here, I am what's left, I am right now.
I remain burned beyond recognition."
As of it late, I've been thinking about the number of people I can 100% trust, no questions asked. That number is surprisingly low. Or is it surprising? I think my innate fear of heartbreak and abandonment has made me very wary of people of general. A couple of months ago, I had some pretty startling revelations thrust on me, and while I wasn't surprised at the time, it certainly planted that seed of Doubt. That creeping crawling Shadow that whispers sybilantly, "If This could happen....What's Sacred? What's Taboo? What WON'T happen?" So, I've been wrestling with that as I realized what one of my worst possible fears could be. But in keeping with my surprisingly weird superstitious streak, I don't give voice to it. Bad Mojo. It stays locked in my mind, and possibly the Ether. Possibly Your mind. Who knows?
So lately I've been trying to overcome my crushing loneliness. I'm not sure anymore whether I'm ruggedly individualistic or just incredibly isolated. I felt a great desire recently for someone, and now... I don't know, it's still there but the potential for heartache is present and I'm trying to avoid that. It frightened me pretty good because I haven't actively felt that way about someone for a while now. But, as in all things, I presume the feelings were not mutual. And it was all a potential to begin with. And getting twisted up over it, is just... I don't know? Careless?
"Eyes Wide Open, Eyes So Blind, to the Prison on the Inside, the Prison in the Mind."
And then there's the ever present undertow that's always there whenever I'm not paying attention, it pulls me under instead of just gently pulling at me for attention. And I've discovered that, that particular situation, is like an emotional black hole. I throw emotion into it and it's just...Gone. Silent, Cold, Empty. And then as always is my overdeveloped, hyper aware, sometimes ironic, sometimes dead on sometimes way off sense of alertness, supposition, I don't know? Betrayal Radar? Paranoia Gauge? I don't even know what to call it. But I'm extremely worried and at the same time chiding myself for my current suspicions. Who knows?
On the plus side, I got to talk to the Boys today. So, that was good. I try and stay positive about that. I feel like it's my last real tether to anything, and it's a tenuous one at best. I really wish I could spend more time with them. I feel like I've been cheated out of everything about their lives, and that's a hard trip to deal with. I've started researching adoption again for some point in the future, so hopefully that will pan out. I've been trying to get everything arranged for once this tour is over as well as knock out more school. But the combination of those mixed with work and my nightly 2 to 3 hours of sleep is wearing me pretty thin. But, that's okay. I'm learning to push through again, it helps with the clarity.
War Within, War Without, War Never Ending.
I feel more and more that as the years stack up, that maybe I'm supposed to be alone. I won't lie and say that I've learned magically to not wrestle with loneliness and the desire to be close to someone, to have someone really know me. But, being alone means that I don't have to deal with games and head trips. And while loneliness is crushing, the alternative can be so much more painful. It would turn the slow drip into a massive laceration. And who needs that?
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