Like a rolling stone.

My body sometimes chooses for me. Like the last few hours I spent napping. I don't remember wanting to nap. But here I am, waking up confused. What the hell just happened? Oh well. Here I am. A little bit more rested and ready to continue.

I spent a few hours today talking to an old friend. It was good. Got my mind lubed up and ready to roll. It's nice to have help shaking out some of the cobwebs. Now the music is on, a cigarette is lit, and the ideas are roiling. Come with me.


I thought a bit today about religion and faith. About the times I looked for some kind of God. Something, anything that could convince me. I spent so much time as a child looking, high and low, looking for some kind of empirical proof. Here's what I've found so far. I've seen God in the eyes of my children, in their laughter. I've seen God in the open spaces of Earth. I've seen God in the Oceans. Dark, mysterious, unknowable and strange. I've seen God in the eyes of dead men. On their lips as they expire. By definition, the same God that makes puppies, kitties, and babies; also kills them. Well, to be fair, if not God something. Something spiritual. Something bigger than me.

"You've got a Methodist coloring book and you color really well
But don't color outside the lines or God will send you to Hell
'Cause God hates war and God hates crime
but he really hates people who color outside the lines."

Today I thought about some sort of manifesto. I'm not really sure how it all fleshes out, but here's what I've got so far:

1. Want to fuck my brain? Not in a warped sense. Nor in a literal horror movie sense. In the sense that yeah, we could have sex. Great. Awesome. BUT, if we can't talk to each other, what's the point? It won't hold my interest at all. Hell, if you don't turn my mind on, I probably won't get off in the first place. So really why bother? Let's not waste each others time. In theory we should be able to help each other grow and change intellectually. I'm not saying every other word out of our mouths should be a dissertation, but, if we can't actually hold a conversation now and then, it's going to get boring. Fast. And bored leads to bad. Always.

2. I want Domestic Bliss. Not in a zany black and white 50s or 60s sense. But.... sort of. I think anymore that wanting that kind of thing is the unusual thing, as opposed to it being the norm like it used to be. I'm not saying in any sense that I want some boring Joe Friday kind of life. "I'm ready for some sex. Are you lubricated? No? Oh well. Here I go." Not my bag. That being said, I don't necessarily throw out the idea of gender roles, or societal norms. Would I make my old lady work on the car while I sat inside? Probably not. ever. Does that mean I wouldn't show her how to work on a car if she wanted to learn? Of course not. I think it's vital that if you are in a relationship you learn from the person you're with. As much as you can.

I can fully admit that I wouldn't mind coming home to a woman wearing an apron cooking dinner. And once the kids were in bed maybe playing in the kitchen with her wearing an apron and nothing else. I don't know, I suppose it's easier to envision than to explain. In no way do I have a problem with a woman being out in the workforce making her way in the world. Personally, I think staying at home is the more exhausting job. I did it for a spell with my kids and it wore me out faster than combat did. I'm of the mind that all of that can be achieved and two people can still be equals and partners in a relationship. I think it's a by product of mutual respect.

3. No relationship is without turbulence. To believe otherwise is to be naive or a 12 year old. That being said it's way too easy to be understanding of the person you're with and not add to the problem by being a dick, or just behaving in a way that makes matters worse. People have bad days. People have buttons. I do, you do, everyone does. That being what it is, in no way does that give you or the person you're with free rein to act a fool every time something doesn't go their way or upsets them. It's mostly common sense. Be a grown up. Too easy right?


4. Being in a relationship isn't the death of adventure. Sure, being in an adult relationship, especially when kids are involved makes it a bit more difficult.... But it doesn't preclude it. It just takes a bit more planning.


That's all I have for now, especially since my shower is calling me. But, it was on my mind, so I had to get it out. Off to shower and let the gears cool down.

Alt .End

Every now and then, I find myself waking up.
Eyes open to scars and souvenirs.
I find myself stretching and yawning.
Sleep walking through my life.
There are times when I rub my eyes and look around.
I look at my life up until now.
I stare into the distance and think about what still waits.

Most nights I am content with being one.
Other nights, I am tempted to open my chest and offer myself to those I would be willing to do so with.
But that Fear always walks with me.
Closing my mouth, shutting me down.
Bouncing between feeling nothing and everything.

Mornings are always mornings.
The coffee's always black.
And there's always miles to go before I sleep.
Always.
Always a Long, Cold, Dark just up the road.
The only thing that isn't a constant is whether or not I choose to travel it alone.

Lullaby

Lullaby

Tonight, I sit and burn lean tissue, throwing my mind into the farthest reaches of this meditative near trance. Writing from places I don't often look. Sometimes, Self Observation is harsh under such bright light and scrutiny. Tonight, I managed to look at the moon with ambivalence. No longing, no fist shaking. Nothing but noticing it existed. Tonight, I open the doors to that place within where so few few have tread, much less know of.

Forever and Always is a bitter pill. A knife I helped put in my own back.

Sometimes, I just want...
A hot bath and coffee.
Hands on my face and no words.
A warm hug in a coffee shop, and all the excitement that came with it.
Playing in the snow.
Laying on a couch taking in silliness and being perfectly content.
To be well and truly KNOWN.
The smell of perfume in the desert.
A heated moment, a time that lasted forever and for minutes only.

Most times, I just know...
That I brought all this on myself.
That this is my Fate.
That Destinies can be lost.
That I remain alone.
That this is how it should be.

The Devil will find work for idle hands to do...

The Devil will find work for idle hands to do...

It's been a while since I've had the time to sit and write. I just spent about 2 and a half weeks locked down for the most part with nothing to do but study and think. I had plenty of time to ruminate and reminisce. It was not a super fun time but it was plenty of time to sit and think. And sleep whenever I could which was about the only good part.



The boys are finally in Texas. Hopefully, I'll be able to see them more often, but seeing as how right now, fresh out of WLC they have me slated for Staff Duty on Christmas Eve, I'm not really hopeful. Well, not so much hopeful as less than optimistic.

I spent a lot of time thinking about my friends and all the things I miss. My family too. I think all the time spent living away, deployments and stuff are finally catching up with me. And already deployment is rearing its head again. But, as in all things, I chose this. So what can I really say or do about it?

I've been thinking a lot about how I'd like to sit and talk to people that I can't now. I'd like to just sit and talk to my mother for a bit and hash some things out. I'd like to talk to my Papa about the deployment, about War, and the choices I've made in my life. But I can't. And that sucks, but it is what it is. I'd like to grab a bottle of whiskey and sit and talk to my brothers. Well, sans the whiskey, but the sentiment is there. I'd like to talk to a lot of people, but they are either gone or far away. Technology be damned.

Through these lessons you have learned...

I have roughly a quarter month left here. I'm feeling some mixed feelings about leaving. I'm pretty sure that sounds a little strange, but it is what it is. There is strangeness going on with my biggest baby which is making things a little bit rough around the edges here lately. But, I am powerless to do or change anything from here. So, that's awesome.

Now is the time where I start Christmas shopping. Over the Internet, which oddly just doesn't feel the same. But, again...choices are limited. But...I have some pretty awesomely telling gifts in mind. Here's to hoping I can actually find what I'm looking for.

Turns out I have a year left in Germany. Assuming I don't get the paperwork error fixed. I'm still trying to decide what I want to do with that. I reckon time will tell. Off to shower and drink coffee before today's ridiculous mission. And in the meantime I'll try and figure out how to parcel my time for leave. Go Team Me. Seriously, I have the coolest number on the team. Because I AM the fucking Team.

Today's blog was brought to you by "Reaping What You Sow" and the letter Nth.

Another Day.

So, I relapsed. Not happy about it. Gonna have to go through withdrawals all over again. Oh well. It is what it is. Not much else going on. Still looking into things. Still not liking games or being played. Still have the same easy to push buttons I've always had.

Still wonder about the changes I've gone through since I was twenty. It's amazing to see what kind of beatings and blessings can come down the road.

"I've got a restraining order against Satan's Daughter. I keep it at the bottom of this Jameson and Water."

I've got mixed feelings about going home. I was really looking forward to having some time to sit and talk with my Dad. And that's not gonna happen now. I've also been thinking about my Mother lately and all the answers I'll never get now that she's gone. All rather morose. Blah.

There's a lot of baggage involved in going home. I'm still considering contracting. As much as this sometimes sucks, there is an addictive quality to it. A release of something primal. And the fear that you can't turn it off. But, that's a little much for this forum. Anywho.

It's off to bed as I've been up for 24 again. And will be apparently every 3 days until I leave this place. YAY!!!

Me Vs. You

A lot of people don't understand men and women. It's really quite simple. It's all the same shit. All that may differ are choices, actions, and reactions. It's simple if you cut the bullshit emotion out of it. And of course a lot of folks quit asking the questions that burn and choke because they know the only answer they'll get is the backhand and silence.

"You're so kind when it serves you well. You're So kind when... it serves you well, your cruelty."

I make no claims to understand the what? Science? Chemistry? Pheromones? Bizarre Ritual? Self Destructiveness? that is men and women. In all this time, all I've really learned is to be really fucking careful, Always go for the throat, trust nothing, and be prepared for betrayal and abandonment at every turn. It's like a survival kit. As long as you keep these things in mind, you should have a leg up on your opposite number. Regardless of gender. I'm not saying constantly look over your shoulder, but more like this. If you are going camping way out in the mountains... Be aware that there are bears and shit out there. Does it mean you're gonna get mauled by a kodiak? No. But you could.

Did the Devil say to you, "You can make it through. I'll take you to the top."
I may never know the answers. Because like so many others, my questions are answered with silence as well. So why bother asking the questions to others? You can ask yourself why you asked someone else in the first place. You can slam yourself over and over again into the same wall that has stopped you so many nights. And maybe, one day, it'll give. Who knows? Some of us are fated to burn. That's it. That's all. It's better that way for everyone else. Others aren't. Some settle. Complacency isn't just something on the battlefield. Some settle. Some don't. Some shift like sand. Others are solid. Everyone's different. Everyone's the same. That's the trick of it.

"It's a sign of devotion. You made everybody else seem insane.
You filled my head with your notions, you made everybody else seem so tame.
In your bed I lay reeling, You made everybody else seem a shame.
I knew from the way I was feeling, nothing could ever be quite the same.
I moved straight into your shoes. I took up your cause and answered your phone
I couldn't really imagine.... what life was like when I was alone."

And that's the rub. Be alone or don't. Be with someone or don't. Do what you're gonna fucking do because it's all you fucking get. Believe it. I've seen it firsthand too many times. Just do what you're gonna do. Believe what you like and wound when you must. Scar tissue will get you farther than soft skin any day. Bank on it.

I had a refit today and q.r.f. got put on stand down so we had some free time. So I got some writing time. Thank the letter K and preparations for Ramadan for this Blog. So cuddle up with cold logic and hot black coffee, curl around that sun that whips your back and grinds the sweat from your bones daily. Wait for your next go around in this wonderful Hell that welcomed your soul like a long lost lover. It's the only one you have.

Legacy

Sometimes, I sit and wonder if anything I've ever done has mattered at all. Barring a world changing destiny (ala: Einstein, Oppenheimer, napoleon, Ghengis khan, Hitler etc.) we wonder if anything we've ever done matters. What have I left my children beyond a name? What have I left anyone else? Have I done anything that has actually mattered? And while we ask this... Someone somewhere is painting us a picture with their blood. Screaming our names into a hot desert night, where the stars are tears, and the dust chokes the throat.

We wonder about our fingerprints lingering without ever realizing that our fingers held the force of a hammer strike, that the touch seared the soul like lightning. And all the while we remain blind to the truth. That while we wander, wondering about our fingerprints... There are people wondering, who wander after our footsteps. Just wanting a glimpse of that place revealed in the eyes, in the touch, in the breath that crossed our neck.

"Maybe, you were never really real to begin with... I just made you up to hurt myself."