I continue to be me. For all the good and bad involved in that. I continue to throw myself from skin to skin looking for something....real? Something that can engage my mind? And really, to get the one, you have to have the other. I recognize at my age, I -ill not have my wants become reality. I continue to dance in a horrible self-destructive, self constructive dance with the military. The Army is akin to the woman I can't get away from. I managed to reconnect with the past only to have my heart pulled from my chest. And now, I deal with the aftershocks. The trauma. I left myself completely unguarded like a fool and thus, pay the cost. I brought that on myself. In the interim, I've rediscovered a little faith, continue to wonder about everyone else, and continue to be a salve to others by being a whore. Obviously, if I give my body like communion to make others feel better at my own expense, I'm doing a good thing right? Yeah, probably not, because after the orgasms and smiles, it's still me alone, feeling this crippling loneliness, and still just being here. trapped in a room alone. Getting played. Same as it ever was. Ugh.