Silencer

MeWithoutYou kind of night. Homework for college done. Now for homework for the Army, assuming I don't pass out. Wisconsin is beautiful. Cold and still, but in the trees, if you look hard enough you'll see signs of life. I'm a little bummed I cant go out and check out the local beers this time around, but what can you do? I imagine Ft. Eustis will have some of the same silly rules next month. I hate schools in that respect.

It's been mind numbingly lonely lately. I can't say it's just due to walking through snow covered streets and fields alone. I can't say it's my mind throwing open doors and tearing open boxes that I thought were well and long ago sealed. I'm unconvinced that it's because romantically I always seem to be the kid outside the candy shop. Looking through the window always wanting things he can't have. Those sweets are always in some other kid's (probably undeserving) hands. I'm not even sure it's the crushing blow that missing out on time with my boys always is, when it happens. It could just be that I'm being a whiny little sissy about the whole thing. Outside of my sons, my number is one. I know that. But every now and then I get a sense of longing that just pops up for a bit and then eventually goes away. Some sort of romantically themed ghost limb syndrome.

But, as ever, I trudge along. Head forward striding towards some goal. Real or imagined, I don't know. But there's no way backwards. No way home. Only ever forward. Ever onwards. I go.

Setting Fire to Sleeping Giants.

The night was heavy, hot, and cold. A paradox. But only from the outside. He tears at the bandages trying to get the last of the blood to shake free. The dust and sand falling to the floor, he stood unabashed at what was given to him and what he returned. Freely, honestly, and without malice.

"What if I wanted to fight? Beg for the rest of my life? What would you do?"

He watched the pain unfold. Origami in reverse. Trying to get to the roots. The core. The center of the Gordian Knot. To see it released and watch her arise resplendent and whole. The weight released.

"You say you wanted more. What are you waiting for? I'm not running from you."

But, like all things, his hands destroyed whatever they touched. His voice tinged with too much sorrow, guilt, and pain to be heard clearly. His dusty boots back on his feet, past in flames; he continued his walk alone.

"I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change.
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am."