I want a Love like Dawn.
I want it to burn away the years of GRAY.
I want it to scour everything from my mind, wiping fingerprints from the space that was a heart.
The thumbprint that ground out my heart and soul.
INDELIBLE INK.
Give my SELF back.
"Will they ever measure up?
To the way you left me here by the roadside,
The bloodiest cadaver,
Marked in your words, I'm the joke, I'm the bastard."
I want to give someone EVERYTHING.
I want to be known inside and out.
I want a secret smile again.
I want to not be bitter every time I see people in love.
I want an equal.
I want a partner.
I want, I want, I want.
What else is new?
My number is one.
I will not throw myself into something shiny.
Manic and loud.
Moth like.
What's the new flame?
What's got shiny words, toys, shiny?
I am accepting of my role? My lot? My CHOICE.
I refuse to be bamboozled with yet another waste of time.
Of hope.
I have a Jaelyn now. She loves her Uncle more than anything.
Now, I have at least a quarter of my dream.
And that is more than enough.
Showing posts with label drinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drinking. Show all posts
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Struggle.
He is sitting on a hill. The cold wind is like a slap to the face, but he doesn't mind. He's watching the sun slip below the earth, waiting for the moon. Just like Always. Just like Forever. He stares at the burning orb slipping lazily through the clouded sky. He wonders, "Does the Sun know it's Beauty? Does it know that unless I knew better I'd stare at it until I went blind. Just taking it in. Weeping and and wiping away the pain, unblinking, holding that image in my mind forever as my retinas burned away." He sits and stares, waiting for the Moon. Just like Always. Just like Forever. He knows that the Moon and the Sun are two different bodies... They are the same. Just different parts of a day. Or a night. All the Same.
He sits, holding a bottle. Wondering what the whiskey sour will taste like. If it will taste like relief or defeat. If it will improve his day. Or worsen it. Will it drive the loneliness away? Will it change..just..one..night? When it hits his lips will it taste like a lover's kiss? Or will it taste like ashes in his mouth? He doesn't know. He contemplates the bottle.
He sits in the dark. Thinking. Wondering about where the many roads ahead of him will lead. So many paths, so few real outcomes. All roads lead to Rome they say, but he knows most roads while scenic for a bit all just lead to nowhere. Loops and beltways and freeways and broken asphalt. All going nowhere. Everywhere leads Nowhere he thinks, and when you get there, the passenger seat is always empty. What a ride. He turns on some old country, some old southern rock, and lets himself go to a quiet place. the roads are empty tonight and he has a long way to ride.
He sits, holding a bottle. Wondering what the whiskey sour will taste like. If it will taste like relief or defeat. If it will improve his day. Or worsen it. Will it drive the loneliness away? Will it change..just..one..night? When it hits his lips will it taste like a lover's kiss? Or will it taste like ashes in his mouth? He doesn't know. He contemplates the bottle.
He sits in the dark. Thinking. Wondering about where the many roads ahead of him will lead. So many paths, so few real outcomes. All roads lead to Rome they say, but he knows most roads while scenic for a bit all just lead to nowhere. Loops and beltways and freeways and broken asphalt. All going nowhere. Everywhere leads Nowhere he thinks, and when you get there, the passenger seat is always empty. What a ride. He turns on some old country, some old southern rock, and lets himself go to a quiet place. the roads are empty tonight and he has a long way to ride.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Pour Decisions...
So... 4 day. Went to a bar. Twice. Got pretty drunk the first night. Danced. There may or may not be pictures. Last night was not NEARLY as fun. Too crowded. One of my boys pre-gamed a little TOO hard before we left. So, him sleeping in the cab. kosher. EXCEPT...when WE get out of the cab, we are walking through the parking lot. HE is dismounting the Stryker the day Bob was shot and killed. So when he SPRINTS inside, we all think he's gonna puke. time passes, we keep going down to check on him and he's mostly passed out. When he finally DOES come back up, he's pale as a ghost and looks terrified. So, there is a lot of talking done, and crisis is averted but it definitely colors the night a different shade.
In other news, I found out that occasionally my body just won't let me get buzzed. ZERO. ZILCH. That started making me mad. To add to the wackiness, at some point during the evening I was told to go dance so my mood would improve.
After sorta making a choice I was informed that the night before while um... what's that word....BLITZED; I had told said dance partner and a few of her friends that I couldn't dance because I was married. ?? Yeah, that was a shock to me too.
I don't have to wear a polo shirt at all. My me-ness will always shoot me down. So I had a good laugh about that, sorta. By this point I just wanted to split. Some Amerikan was causing problems with his German ex, so we had to intervene there and that was not pretty.
By the end of the night, we just wanted a cab and to get outta there. Same German girl we helped of course needed a cab back to her home so we let her ride with us, which ended up being her and one of my friends very nearly making out ON me in the back seat which lessened my mood further. The sounds of that were only slightly less enraging than someone chewing say......I dunno.... raw carrots with their mouth open 2 inches away from my ear. So we got back and hey what do you know, this cab ALSO cannot get on post so we have a 2 mile walk in the rain to top the night off. SWEET. So, I think that may be the last time I go out for a while. A long, long, while.
"Is it still me that makes you sweat? Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?"
In other news, there was other news, but it's locked in a room right now being water boarded and then will be dissected until I can make sense of it all. I'm somewhere between not being surprised at all with some of the things I've learned and absolutely shocked and horrified. My mind is still in deliberations. Also, I learned that there IS in FACT be a light that never goes out. We'll see about that one too.
"When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin.
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of ..."
In other news, I found out that occasionally my body just won't let me get buzzed. ZERO. ZILCH. That started making me mad. To add to the wackiness, at some point during the evening I was told to go dance so my mood would improve.
After sorta making a choice I was informed that the night before while um... what's that word....BLITZED; I had told said dance partner and a few of her friends that I couldn't dance because I was married. ?? Yeah, that was a shock to me too.
I don't have to wear a polo shirt at all. My me-ness will always shoot me down. So I had a good laugh about that, sorta. By this point I just wanted to split. Some Amerikan was causing problems with his German ex, so we had to intervene there and that was not pretty.
By the end of the night, we just wanted a cab and to get outta there. Same German girl we helped of course needed a cab back to her home so we let her ride with us, which ended up being her and one of my friends very nearly making out ON me in the back seat which lessened my mood further. The sounds of that were only slightly less enraging than someone chewing say......I dunno.... raw carrots with their mouth open 2 inches away from my ear. So we got back and hey what do you know, this cab ALSO cannot get on post so we have a 2 mile walk in the rain to top the night off. SWEET. So, I think that may be the last time I go out for a while. A long, long, while.
"Is it still me that makes you sweat? Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?"
In other news, there was other news, but it's locked in a room right now being water boarded and then will be dissected until I can make sense of it all. I'm somewhere between not being surprised at all with some of the things I've learned and absolutely shocked and horrified. My mind is still in deliberations. Also, I learned that there IS in FACT be a light that never goes out. We'll see about that one too.
"When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin.
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of ..."
Monday, November 10, 2008
Miracles.
"If only You'd believe in miracles, baby
So would I."
Today was a pretty good day. Platoon Party out at the lake. Relaxing. Only here will you find people laughing about the times they got mortared. Funny story that one. :) Guess you'd have to have been there. Not much else going on. It's 0400 am and I'm obviously awake. I had to come back here at 1630 and sleep off the barbeque. According to my roommate I slept it off while sitting up, typing in my sleep on my computer. Good times. Sometimes, I have to wonder who's at the drivers' wheel when I'm out.
Giving a lot of thought lately what I want to do when this contract is up. There's a lot of options on the table. Now, I just have to pick the one that's gonna work out best. And that's gonna be tricky. There's a lot to consider and a lot of different ways to look at my life at this point. Which introduces more variables. So that should be fun.
So would I."
Today was a pretty good day. Platoon Party out at the lake. Relaxing. Only here will you find people laughing about the times they got mortared. Funny story that one. :) Guess you'd have to have been there. Not much else going on. It's 0400 am and I'm obviously awake. I had to come back here at 1630 and sleep off the barbeque. According to my roommate I slept it off while sitting up, typing in my sleep on my computer. Good times. Sometimes, I have to wonder who's at the drivers' wheel when I'm out.
Giving a lot of thought lately what I want to do when this contract is up. There's a lot of options on the table. Now, I just have to pick the one that's gonna work out best. And that's gonna be tricky. There's a lot to consider and a lot of different ways to look at my life at this point. Which introduces more variables. So that should be fun.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Year 3
"Every cloud is grey, with dreams of yesterday."
So this is how 31 tastes... The same as last year. And the year before. The exterior at least matches the interior this year. So, that's a plus I guess. All I really wanted this year were some words. But that's what I want every year. Or answers. Or possibly for Justice to let me go to work with him. He guards the gate what holds the Ninjas.
"Every sky is blue, but not for me and you."
On the plus side, one of my friends promised me a sweet theme party at our (yeah, I said ours. So there.) local bar. So, that's sweet. At the moment though I'm at a loss for themes. Possibly broken, bitter, disillusioned soldier comes home to angrily drink whiskey sours. OR....Horny Animal Man unleashed in Portland to sow seed where ever he can. That's all I've got so far. OR maybe Tex Avery. I'm a big fan of Tex Avery.
So this is how 31 tastes... The same as last year. And the year before. The exterior at least matches the interior this year. So, that's a plus I guess. All I really wanted this year were some words. But that's what I want every year. Or answers. Or possibly for Justice to let me go to work with him. He guards the gate what holds the Ninjas.
"Every sky is blue, but not for me and you."
On the plus side, one of my friends promised me a sweet theme party at our (yeah, I said ours. So there.) local bar. So, that's sweet. At the moment though I'm at a loss for themes. Possibly broken, bitter, disillusioned soldier comes home to angrily drink whiskey sours. OR....Horny Animal Man unleashed in Portland to sow seed where ever he can. That's all I've got so far. OR maybe Tex Avery. I'm a big fan of Tex Avery.
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