Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my life. The choices I've made, the situations that I've had thrust on me and those that I thrust myself into. It's been a pretty heavy couple of days, to say the least. Lately, I've been feeling forgotten, abandoned, and just Gone. I think it's a side effect of being here so long. I'm rational enough to realize that real life continues in the real world, but emotional enough that I still miss a few folks. I'm still working on that. I've thought a lot about betrayals. Old and New. Ones that have been perpetrated on me, and those I've perpetrated. I think that perhaps there is dividing line between intentional and unintentional. But then again, what do I know?
"I am one time, I am right here, I am what's left, I am right now.
I remain burned beyond recognition."
As of it late, I've been thinking about the number of people I can 100% trust, no questions asked. That number is surprisingly low. Or is it surprising? I think my innate fear of heartbreak and abandonment has made me very wary of people of general. A couple of months ago, I had some pretty startling revelations thrust on me, and while I wasn't surprised at the time, it certainly planted that seed of Doubt. That creeping crawling Shadow that whispers sybilantly, "If This could happen....What's Sacred? What's Taboo? What WON'T happen?" So, I've been wrestling with that as I realized what one of my worst possible fears could be. But in keeping with my surprisingly weird superstitious streak, I don't give voice to it. Bad Mojo. It stays locked in my mind, and possibly the Ether. Possibly Your mind. Who knows?
So lately I've been trying to overcome my crushing loneliness. I'm not sure anymore whether I'm ruggedly individualistic or just incredibly isolated. I felt a great desire recently for someone, and now... I don't know, it's still there but the potential for heartache is present and I'm trying to avoid that. It frightened me pretty good because I haven't actively felt that way about someone for a while now. But, as in all things, I presume the feelings were not mutual. And it was all a potential to begin with. And getting twisted up over it, is just... I don't know? Careless?
"Eyes Wide Open, Eyes So Blind, to the Prison on the Inside, the Prison in the Mind."
And then there's the ever present undertow that's always there whenever I'm not paying attention, it pulls me under instead of just gently pulling at me for attention. And I've discovered that, that particular situation, is like an emotional black hole. I throw emotion into it and it's just...Gone. Silent, Cold, Empty. And then as always is my overdeveloped, hyper aware, sometimes ironic, sometimes dead on sometimes way off sense of alertness, supposition, I don't know? Betrayal Radar? Paranoia Gauge? I don't even know what to call it. But I'm extremely worried and at the same time chiding myself for my current suspicions. Who knows?
On the plus side, I got to talk to the Boys today. So, that was good. I try and stay positive about that. I feel like it's my last real tether to anything, and it's a tenuous one at best. I really wish I could spend more time with them. I feel like I've been cheated out of everything about their lives, and that's a hard trip to deal with. I've started researching adoption again for some point in the future, so hopefully that will pan out. I've been trying to get everything arranged for once this tour is over as well as knock out more school. But the combination of those mixed with work and my nightly 2 to 3 hours of sleep is wearing me pretty thin. But, that's okay. I'm learning to push through again, it helps with the clarity.
War Within, War Without, War Never Ending.
I feel more and more that as the years stack up, that maybe I'm supposed to be alone. I won't lie and say that I've learned magically to not wrestle with loneliness and the desire to be close to someone, to have someone really know me. But, being alone means that I don't have to deal with games and head trips. And while loneliness is crushing, the alternative can be so much more painful. It would turn the slow drip into a massive laceration. And who needs that?
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