I continue to be me. For all the good and bad involved in that. I continue to throw myself from skin to skin looking for something....real? Something that can engage my mind? And really, to get the one, you have to have the other. I recognize at my age, I -ill not have my wants become reality. I continue to dance in a horrible self-destructive, self constructive dance with the military. The Army is akin to the woman I can't get away from. I managed to reconnect with the past only to have my heart pulled from my chest. And now, I deal with the aftershocks. The trauma. I left myself completely unguarded like a fool and thus, pay the cost. I brought that on myself. In the interim, I've rediscovered a little faith, continue to wonder about everyone else, and continue to be a salve to others by being a whore. Obviously, if I give my body like communion to make others feel better at my own expense, I'm doing a good thing right? Yeah, probably not, because after the orgasms and smiles, it's still me alone, feeling this crippling loneliness, and still just being here. trapped in a room alone. Getting played. Same as it ever was. Ugh.

Silencer

MeWithoutYou kind of night. Homework for college done. Now for homework for the Army, assuming I don't pass out. Wisconsin is beautiful. Cold and still, but in the trees, if you look hard enough you'll see signs of life. I'm a little bummed I cant go out and check out the local beers this time around, but what can you do? I imagine Ft. Eustis will have some of the same silly rules next month. I hate schools in that respect.

It's been mind numbingly lonely lately. I can't say it's just due to walking through snow covered streets and fields alone. I can't say it's my mind throwing open doors and tearing open boxes that I thought were well and long ago sealed. I'm unconvinced that it's because romantically I always seem to be the kid outside the candy shop. Looking through the window always wanting things he can't have. Those sweets are always in some other kid's (probably undeserving) hands. I'm not even sure it's the crushing blow that missing out on time with my boys always is, when it happens. It could just be that I'm being a whiny little sissy about the whole thing. Outside of my sons, my number is one. I know that. But every now and then I get a sense of longing that just pops up for a bit and then eventually goes away. Some sort of romantically themed ghost limb syndrome.

But, as ever, I trudge along. Head forward striding towards some goal. Real or imagined, I don't know. But there's no way backwards. No way home. Only ever forward. Ever onwards. I go.

Too much.

I'm too tired and stressed out to write anything of consequence. I just keep thinking that something in me broke a long time ago and I don't know how to fix it. On the other hand, I've survived things that would crush the spines of lesser men. It's always a paradox. And it's never ever easy.

Solitary Refinement

As I'm mentally exhausted, tonight's exercise in writing may not be as coherent as it was when I was thinking it. Recently, a female friend of mine asked me why I was always single. This got me thinking. I mean, that's a question that deserves an honest answer.

As I'm no priest, it's a complicated answer at that. The reasons are many. Like any good reason I suppose. My sons deserve a woman who will be a good mom to them. So, I'm picky. I don't bring women around them when they are home unless I think it's ultra serious. Which it hasn't been for a long time. That's a primary motivator in my "being single". I also suppose I don't feel like my life is where I want it to be stability wise for me to pursue a relationship. My family tells me this is a cop out. I just think it's being responsible.

The answers that I generally keep to myself is that I don't feel like being destroyed again. That being said, I don't give any female the chance to do that to me, so I have no worries. Conversely, it makes me "emotionally unavailable" and "robotic". Also, I worry that the way I am post war is just too much for someone else to have to deal with.

I suppose all but one are cop outs. But, what can you do? This all got me thinking when I was driving around the last few days. I like to do some deep thinking when I drive. It makes me a bit less hyper aware and not scanning for ieds as much. It's a thing. I was thinking about love. For some reason. Who knows. Just roll with it. It occurred to me, that if romantic love exists as more than a chemical reaction, which I'm mostly skeptical of these days, it has to be the at of sharing the part of yourself with someone that you'd never share with someone else. You're most vulnerable bits. And not just the fleshy ones. And that's a terrifying level of trust involved to undertake that kind of communion with someone else. And what if it's a person who's just going to waste or abuse it?

So yes, I'm a Heartless Bastard, but only because you had a hand in making me that way. No one starts out that way. And like everything, it's layered in double entendres. I suppose all that is why I'm single. Concern and cowardice I gather. Who knows. Certainly not I.

One Man Army

This last week has been a bit draining. I'm hardly sleeping at all. Generally an hour or two a night, other than an odd night when I crashed for roughly twelve hours. My dreams are vivid but as soon as I wake up it all slips away. I'm just left a bit disoriented trying to puzzle through the various emotions and sensations I'm left with.

All that aside, dealing with the VA or rather their particular brand of red tape is highly frustrating. I'm hoping that one of my options opens itself up soon and I can get out of this area. I've got so many options, I just have to make a concrete decision and go with it. As ever, the hard part is taking the boys into any and all deliberation on relocating or going back to soldiering full time. Being full time Infantry and single precludes me from having the boys. Which is just unacceptable. To me and to them. Hopefully, after APR I'll be able to put this packet in and see where it leads. I think in the mean time, tossing a few packets to other agencies won't be a bad idea.

The other consideration is that if I DO move to Austin or El Paso and one of these packets goes through it's a wasted move. Austin would put me much closer to the boys though, which is important. I can go without a good woman. Going without my sons is murderous. That as probably the hardest part of living overseas and being a single soldier. The Army makes it nearly impossible to secure a place for visitation if you're living in the Barracks. And in Germany you can't live off post unless you're E-7 or above and/or married. Bah. So, long story short that's a pro. The pro for El Paso is a relatively well paying job. I just hate El Paso. And driving from there to anywhere in TX is an ordeal. If everything works out the way I want it to, I'll have my boys all the time in a year or so and be back up north somewhere. I don't really care where I get stationed as long as my sons are with me.

In other news, sifting through vagaries as ever, trying to find the truth behind the words and if that truth pertains to my world at all. But what can you really do about that? You can stumble blind, have tunnel vision, or try and see everything. Maybe, we're all guilty of doing all three depending on the situation. It's a thing.

Sometimes Lovers and Losers all are truth wrapped in lies. We hurl out truths out heedless of where they may land. When we speak the truth at all. And when we do, so many of us never speak it to ourselves. I'm off to sleep well beneath this beautiful Winter moon, sure to dream of things that are always out of grasp, but apparently on my mind.

I'm good. I've just had a little too much to think.

I'm not really sure what is going on with me today. I couldn't sleep due to an impressive collusion of factors. Stress, not working out yesterday, the anniversary week of losing the Sinsen 7 and everything else that entailed. Etc, Etc, Etc. I spent most of the night with my mind going faster than usual, but going nowhere but ever widening circles. I tried to focus on something, anything, just to get a little sleep. Which I did. I slept long enough to get comfortable. Which is exactly when the alarm started going off.

I came to only half coherent, the rest of my mind wading in dreams. (And then I dozed off mid sentence for about 30 minutes.) Ugh. Where was I? Oh yes, I woke up just feeling a bit strange. A plethora of paradoxical stuff as the fevered dreams I had in that 45 minutes apparently were all unconnected and/or contradictory.

Gotta love it. Today, I've been mostly good with the wanting a cigarette. Or a beer. It's strange. I'm not sure if it's withdrawals or what, but I've been on the verge of tears for a good portion of the day. I'm not sure what that means. Outside of a bit of the ole watery eye during a Quantum Leap episode or seeing the boys, I don't think I've full on cried for years. It's freaking me out a little. I don't really feel sad. Anymore than usual anyways. I'm not really feeling anything else for that matter. Other than a bit stressed. Thanks VA for that. So, I'm hoping this is just a withdrawal thing, otherwise... Things could get weird.

I'm sure there was more to say but I'm starting to drift off again.

Making Believe

With all the grief I get from my folks on my relationship status or rather lack of it. I had to sit down and evaluate why things are the way they are. Decidedly, I don't seem to have a problem picking up women. They just aren't who or what I need. They typically do the things that set off my crazy alarms. Which I have had enough of in my life. These days I see a woman that I'm interested in and just live out what life could be like in the blink of an eye. It's cleaner that way. No hassle. I don't have to know if they're with someone, I can step around my need to be the knight in shining armor riding in to save them from some perceived monster (which nine times out of 10 bites me in the ass as it's a problem they invented.) They get to be smart, funny, and everything else I want. And if they're women I know, I can imagine it all, and don't have to worry about rejection or worse we each disappointing each other some how.

My mom thinks I'm a whore. But honestly, compared to most of my friends, I've calmed down on that front quite a bit. I found bed hopping left me massively unfulfilled,was often painful, and was just.... not good. I discovered that you can't kill pain that way.

Beyond that, is it really worth the devastation of putting myself on the line for someone? Again? It always ends in some sort of catastrophe or tragedy. Besides, why open my self back up so someone can love a perceived or idealized version of me, only to destroy my vulnerable bits when they grow bored or realize I'm more than than their preconceived version of me.

So now I can just love my missed chances, or my chances that were never there. It's cleaner that way. My sons don't have to freak out about "having a step mom" as I'm the antithesis of how their mother lives. So, it's a price to pay, but I'd do anything for my boys.

I worry that the soldier in me and the things I've done have marred me and help keep me single. How could anyone I was with understand? How could I expect them to?

And that's where I live. I suppose it sounds strange. But, if I can love you in my head and not necessarily in the right now real world... Why wouldn't I? It's a sure thing and a lot less messy than the real thing. Assuming it was even possible.

Off to eat. Then hopefully sleep.