Making Believe

With all the grief I get from my folks on my relationship status or rather lack of it. I had to sit down and evaluate why things are the way they are. Decidedly, I don't seem to have a problem picking up women. They just aren't who or what I need. They typically do the things that set off my crazy alarms. Which I have had enough of in my life. These days I see a woman that I'm interested in and just live out what life could be like in the blink of an eye. It's cleaner that way. No hassle. I don't have to know if they're with someone, I can step around my need to be the knight in shining armor riding in to save them from some perceived monster (which nine times out of 10 bites me in the ass as it's a problem they invented.) They get to be smart, funny, and everything else I want. And if they're women I know, I can imagine it all, and don't have to worry about rejection or worse we each disappointing each other some how.

My mom thinks I'm a whore. But honestly, compared to most of my friends, I've calmed down on that front quite a bit. I found bed hopping left me massively unfulfilled,was often painful, and was just.... not good. I discovered that you can't kill pain that way.

Beyond that, is it really worth the devastation of putting myself on the line for someone? Again? It always ends in some sort of catastrophe or tragedy. Besides, why open my self back up so someone can love a perceived or idealized version of me, only to destroy my vulnerable bits when they grow bored or realize I'm more than than their preconceived version of me.

So now I can just love my missed chances, or my chances that were never there. It's cleaner that way. My sons don't have to freak out about "having a step mom" as I'm the antithesis of how their mother lives. So, it's a price to pay, but I'd do anything for my boys.

I worry that the soldier in me and the things I've done have marred me and help keep me single. How could anyone I was with understand? How could I expect them to?

And that's where I live. I suppose it sounds strange. But, if I can love you in my head and not necessarily in the right now real world... Why wouldn't I? It's a sure thing and a lot less messy than the real thing. Assuming it was even possible.

Off to eat. Then hopefully sleep.