Solitary Refinement

As I'm mentally exhausted, tonight's exercise in writing may not be as coherent as it was when I was thinking it. Recently, a female friend of mine asked me why I was always single. This got me thinking. I mean, that's a question that deserves an honest answer.

As I'm no priest, it's a complicated answer at that. The reasons are many. Like any good reason I suppose. My sons deserve a woman who will be a good mom to them. So, I'm picky. I don't bring women around them when they are home unless I think it's ultra serious. Which it hasn't been for a long time. That's a primary motivator in my "being single". I also suppose I don't feel like my life is where I want it to be stability wise for me to pursue a relationship. My family tells me this is a cop out. I just think it's being responsible.

The answers that I generally keep to myself is that I don't feel like being destroyed again. That being said, I don't give any female the chance to do that to me, so I have no worries. Conversely, it makes me "emotionally unavailable" and "robotic". Also, I worry that the way I am post war is just too much for someone else to have to deal with.

I suppose all but one are cop outs. But, what can you do? This all got me thinking when I was driving around the last few days. I like to do some deep thinking when I drive. It makes me a bit less hyper aware and not scanning for ieds as much. It's a thing. I was thinking about love. For some reason. Who knows. Just roll with it. It occurred to me, that if romantic love exists as more than a chemical reaction, which I'm mostly skeptical of these days, it has to be the at of sharing the part of yourself with someone that you'd never share with someone else. You're most vulnerable bits. And not just the fleshy ones. And that's a terrifying level of trust involved to undertake that kind of communion with someone else. And what if it's a person who's just going to waste or abuse it?

So yes, I'm a Heartless Bastard, but only because you had a hand in making me that way. No one starts out that way. And like everything, it's layered in double entendres. I suppose all that is why I'm single. Concern and cowardice I gather. Who knows. Certainly not I.