Another Day.

So, I relapsed. Not happy about it. Gonna have to go through withdrawals all over again. Oh well. It is what it is. Not much else going on. Still looking into things. Still not liking games or being played. Still have the same easy to push buttons I've always had.

Still wonder about the changes I've gone through since I was twenty. It's amazing to see what kind of beatings and blessings can come down the road.

"I've got a restraining order against Satan's Daughter. I keep it at the bottom of this Jameson and Water."

I've got mixed feelings about going home. I was really looking forward to having some time to sit and talk with my Dad. And that's not gonna happen now. I've also been thinking about my Mother lately and all the answers I'll never get now that she's gone. All rather morose. Blah.

There's a lot of baggage involved in going home. I'm still considering contracting. As much as this sometimes sucks, there is an addictive quality to it. A release of something primal. And the fear that you can't turn it off. But, that's a little much for this forum. Anywho.

It's off to bed as I've been up for 24 again. And will be apparently every 3 days until I leave this place. YAY!!!

Where You Can’t Follow

Still kind of drained. Still working with the shyster reenlistment guy. Still trying to PCS in Feb. Still hating this unit.

Atlas Shrugged may in fact have some of the most brilliantly Romantic writing in it. EVAR. Yeah, Ever with an A.

I keep trying to wake up at 0400 to transcribe and make phone calls, but I'm so drained as of late, I wake up but then cannot force myself out of bed. I'll try again tonight.

For a moment today, my Loneliness became my loneliness and tried to swallow me. I didn't let it. I ignored it's cold company and wrapped my arms around Solitude and One.

I've started yet ANOTHER paper journal as the one from the beginning of this tour got lost/destroyed. Well... it melted so half of it got lost and the other half got destroyed. It was cursed anyways. Every time I mailed a letter with it, they never got there. Spooky huh?
Not much else to say... But, I'm tired and mostly drug free...

SO....FREE WRITE!!!!


He never understood her perception of him. Of them. Every touch, every look, every time the world stopped and exploded, it was never the same for them both. A temple built upon the principles of Lust sat in the distance but he never entered. Only stared at it in wonder. And while she worshiped, he sat in stony silence, weeping at his loss of words. "This has never happened to me before. Never have I not been able to express what is in my mind or in my Heart.", He said. She smiled her smile and grasped his hand. Looking into his eyes, she spoke, "Worry not Lover, You need no words to feel this. To feel Me. Come and worship at my temple."

He followed her silently wondering if ever he could speak what he was thinking. If he couldn't say anything, then damn it all, he'd give her Everything. She looked into his eyes and said, "This will burn us out." He thought, "No Angel, this will keep us warm".

He knew that he would have bargained with the Devil for just one more day, one more time of seeing her sleeping face. One more day of greeting her at the door with a flower. Just one more day of keeping her safe, keeping her happy. Just one more day. One more lifetime. No touch ever the same, no kiss more cherished or special. No time ever wasted. No two ever so lucky. And never would be again.

And after it all, a thousand miles away, weeping sand and glass, a bitter harvest in his mind, he looked in his secret pocket and saw a frozen flame. Burning forever motionless. His to hold. His to Protect. His to cherish.
He looked West and spoke, "You have Everything, You have taken it. And what you do or have done with it, is only for you to know." He pocketed his treasure, his paradise lost, and walked into the long, dark night.

Training Wheels

I don't know what to say. I'm so tired I'm ready to fall over but I have to eat something first in theory. People keep telling me food matters. So here I am. I've got handcuff eyeballs and a t-shirt that says "no fair". I'm dehydrated, exhausted, and somehow still investigating things that itch at my mind. My mind is thirsty for more. So pour on the abuse. Cause I'm never done. I never quit. I DO however get confused. A little lost, and occasionally trapped in gossamer and dream stuff. So off to the slop they feed me every now and then. perhaps some "hawg wrasslin", and maybe.... just maybe... Some nice, pitch black, quiet, non-maddening sleep.

It’s In Your Blood.

I can't say a lot today because I'm shaking apart.
So you get a list.
Around 45 days left and we are still losing people.
Like today.
How do you put the people we have lost in the wrong unit in their memorial?
And not include all of them?
Why do I have a big red button that you can push so easily?
Why does being ignored bother me so fucking much?
Why am I on the verge of screaming or crying?
And all I'm doing is reading and trying to relax.
Why can't I let shit go?
Even after it's thrown me away?
What am I doing here?
What am I doing anywhere?
More later as I continue to push through "Atlas Shrugged". Later.

I think this late in the game...

"....I should have known..."

Sex flavored dreams should not be happening to me.
The cigarette fairy should not be leaving unwanted packs of cigarettes near where I wake up.
We should not be doing longer missions than when we were in Baghdad.
And a bunch of other stuff. But for now off to shave, brush chiclets, make coffee, and resist temptation.

"You seem to take premise to all of these songs..."

Me Vs. You

A lot of people don't understand men and women. It's really quite simple. It's all the same shit. All that may differ are choices, actions, and reactions. It's simple if you cut the bullshit emotion out of it. And of course a lot of folks quit asking the questions that burn and choke because they know the only answer they'll get is the backhand and silence.

"You're so kind when it serves you well. You're So kind when... it serves you well, your cruelty."

I make no claims to understand the what? Science? Chemistry? Pheromones? Bizarre Ritual? Self Destructiveness? that is men and women. In all this time, all I've really learned is to be really fucking careful, Always go for the throat, trust nothing, and be prepared for betrayal and abandonment at every turn. It's like a survival kit. As long as you keep these things in mind, you should have a leg up on your opposite number. Regardless of gender. I'm not saying constantly look over your shoulder, but more like this. If you are going camping way out in the mountains... Be aware that there are bears and shit out there. Does it mean you're gonna get mauled by a kodiak? No. But you could.

Did the Devil say to you, "You can make it through. I'll take you to the top."
I may never know the answers. Because like so many others, my questions are answered with silence as well. So why bother asking the questions to others? You can ask yourself why you asked someone else in the first place. You can slam yourself over and over again into the same wall that has stopped you so many nights. And maybe, one day, it'll give. Who knows? Some of us are fated to burn. That's it. That's all. It's better that way for everyone else. Others aren't. Some settle. Complacency isn't just something on the battlefield. Some settle. Some don't. Some shift like sand. Others are solid. Everyone's different. Everyone's the same. That's the trick of it.

"It's a sign of devotion. You made everybody else seem insane.
You filled my head with your notions, you made everybody else seem so tame.
In your bed I lay reeling, You made everybody else seem a shame.
I knew from the way I was feeling, nothing could ever be quite the same.
I moved straight into your shoes. I took up your cause and answered your phone
I couldn't really imagine.... what life was like when I was alone."

And that's the rub. Be alone or don't. Be with someone or don't. Do what you're gonna fucking do because it's all you fucking get. Believe it. I've seen it firsthand too many times. Just do what you're gonna do. Believe what you like and wound when you must. Scar tissue will get you farther than soft skin any day. Bank on it.

I had a refit today and q.r.f. got put on stand down so we had some free time. So I got some writing time. Thank the letter K and preparations for Ramadan for this Blog. So cuddle up with cold logic and hot black coffee, curl around that sun that whips your back and grinds the sweat from your bones daily. Wait for your next go around in this wonderful Hell that welcomed your soul like a long lost lover. It's the only one you have.

Work In Progress.

"Fuck my country, I can think of at LEAST ten other things I'd rather see right off the bat. But, that's a story for another time. The same old story even." ~Me. Right Now.~



Short pointless mission today. No, I mean really pointless. My job is to no longer, "close with and kill the enemy in close quarters." It is to close with and provide banking oppurtunities to the enemy with 0% apr if you act now! Close with and clean for the enemy. Customer Service is the key!*

*to winning this insurgency.

Another ticket down. 1589 so far. And still 3 tickets to buy. YES!!!!

All day long, "Found And Lost" ricocheting through my cranium. I could hazard a guess, but who knows with me anymore? I don't. Or at least, say I don't. Who knows? I believe in Nothing. Not even gravity.

Mainly the last few days, weeks, minutes (?) have been spent thinking about what I want. And why. The who, what,where and when of it. All for Naught. 'Cause that's what I do.

"My Hair is fabulous Baby, yeah, you can touch it. But keep your fucking mitts away from the Heart. It's Fragile."

I'm ready to eat, ready to plan, ready to sleep, ready to be cheap, ready to wake up and see the sun and hate myself in the morning. I just have to suffer through this last bit. Live Through This, Motherfucker! And then it's all downhill to my next deployment. Yeah. The next one. YES!

I don’t remember what it’s like to not feel like the walking dead.

"But every mourning, when the light
Comes creeping in around my eyes
Another future falls behind the one I had I mind."

When I ever do sleep, that's eerily accurate. But, I think perhaps it's accurate for a lot of folks anymore. I spend a lot of time anymore in thought. At work, in thought. At work trying not to think. It's like life.

I want to sleep but it's not happening during this 48 hour period. Go Team Efficiency. Or lack of it. It's whatever. My Ex wife gets paid for this. Ha. Gotta stay positive. Or some such nonsense. I don't know. I don't think I'll know until it's time to come back here again. That's where my head lives.

There's more. Cause there's always more. But, one of these days, I'll learn to keep something for myself.

Legacy

Sometimes, I sit and wonder if anything I've ever done has mattered at all. Barring a world changing destiny (ala: Einstein, Oppenheimer, napoleon, Ghengis khan, Hitler etc.) we wonder if anything we've ever done matters. What have I left my children beyond a name? What have I left anyone else? Have I done anything that has actually mattered? And while we ask this... Someone somewhere is painting us a picture with their blood. Screaming our names into a hot desert night, where the stars are tears, and the dust chokes the throat.

We wonder about our fingerprints lingering without ever realizing that our fingers held the force of a hammer strike, that the touch seared the soul like lightning. And all the while we remain blind to the truth. That while we wander, wondering about our fingerprints... There are people wondering, who wander after our footsteps. Just wanting a glimpse of that place revealed in the eyes, in the touch, in the breath that crossed our neck.

"Maybe, you were never really real to begin with... I just made you up to hurt myself."

When it’s this quiet...

It's Especially satisfying to scream, "Don't forget to go fuck yourself!" at the top of your lungs.