Like a rolling stone.

My body sometimes chooses for me. Like the last few hours I spent napping. I don't remember wanting to nap. But here I am, waking up confused. What the hell just happened? Oh well. Here I am. A little bit more rested and ready to continue.

I spent a few hours today talking to an old friend. It was good. Got my mind lubed up and ready to roll. It's nice to have help shaking out some of the cobwebs. Now the music is on, a cigarette is lit, and the ideas are roiling. Come with me.


I thought a bit today about religion and faith. About the times I looked for some kind of God. Something, anything that could convince me. I spent so much time as a child looking, high and low, looking for some kind of empirical proof. Here's what I've found so far. I've seen God in the eyes of my children, in their laughter. I've seen God in the open spaces of Earth. I've seen God in the Oceans. Dark, mysterious, unknowable and strange. I've seen God in the eyes of dead men. On their lips as they expire. By definition, the same God that makes puppies, kitties, and babies; also kills them. Well, to be fair, if not God something. Something spiritual. Something bigger than me.

"You've got a Methodist coloring book and you color really well
But don't color outside the lines or God will send you to Hell
'Cause God hates war and God hates crime
but he really hates people who color outside the lines."

Today I thought about some sort of manifesto. I'm not really sure how it all fleshes out, but here's what I've got so far:

1. Want to fuck my brain? Not in a warped sense. Nor in a literal horror movie sense. In the sense that yeah, we could have sex. Great. Awesome. BUT, if we can't talk to each other, what's the point? It won't hold my interest at all. Hell, if you don't turn my mind on, I probably won't get off in the first place. So really why bother? Let's not waste each others time. In theory we should be able to help each other grow and change intellectually. I'm not saying every other word out of our mouths should be a dissertation, but, if we can't actually hold a conversation now and then, it's going to get boring. Fast. And bored leads to bad. Always.

2. I want Domestic Bliss. Not in a zany black and white 50s or 60s sense. But.... sort of. I think anymore that wanting that kind of thing is the unusual thing, as opposed to it being the norm like it used to be. I'm not saying in any sense that I want some boring Joe Friday kind of life. "I'm ready for some sex. Are you lubricated? No? Oh well. Here I go." Not my bag. That being said, I don't necessarily throw out the idea of gender roles, or societal norms. Would I make my old lady work on the car while I sat inside? Probably not. ever. Does that mean I wouldn't show her how to work on a car if she wanted to learn? Of course not. I think it's vital that if you are in a relationship you learn from the person you're with. As much as you can.

I can fully admit that I wouldn't mind coming home to a woman wearing an apron cooking dinner. And once the kids were in bed maybe playing in the kitchen with her wearing an apron and nothing else. I don't know, I suppose it's easier to envision than to explain. In no way do I have a problem with a woman being out in the workforce making her way in the world. Personally, I think staying at home is the more exhausting job. I did it for a spell with my kids and it wore me out faster than combat did. I'm of the mind that all of that can be achieved and two people can still be equals and partners in a relationship. I think it's a by product of mutual respect.

3. No relationship is without turbulence. To believe otherwise is to be naive or a 12 year old. That being said it's way too easy to be understanding of the person you're with and not add to the problem by being a dick, or just behaving in a way that makes matters worse. People have bad days. People have buttons. I do, you do, everyone does. That being what it is, in no way does that give you or the person you're with free rein to act a fool every time something doesn't go their way or upsets them. It's mostly common sense. Be a grown up. Too easy right?


4. Being in a relationship isn't the death of adventure. Sure, being in an adult relationship, especially when kids are involved makes it a bit more difficult.... But it doesn't preclude it. It just takes a bit more planning.


That's all I have for now, especially since my shower is calling me. But, it was on my mind, so I had to get it out. Off to shower and let the gears cool down.

Superman's Dead.

Superman's Dead.

It's been a while since I've been up at midnight, smoking cigarettes, listening to music, and letting my head bleed ink onto paper. (As it were.)
Today after packing my life (or local world perhaps. However you choose to see it.) into boxes, I had some time to think. About where things are headed. About where I'm headed. I used to think that the future held mostly this for me.


But as time has gone on and time has worked its magic on me. For better or worse. I've changed. I wonder sometimes whether it really has been better or worse. I'm still undecided. I think sometimes that this is more than likely what the future me will be closer to.


My thoughts quit running towards who would be in my future outside of my babies, family, and friends. I wonder now if there might be horses. I've had feelings ripped across my back. I've held myself while they held someone else. I've stood alone; waiting. Wondering. Wishing. I've played that game. And now that I've flipped the table and gone home, the game just isn't that attractive anymore. Every time I thought, "I'm giving you myself." I never saw that in actuality I was losing myself. Throwing myself away. And for what exactly? What did I ever have to show for any of that? Spent rubbers? Ruined sheets? Rosy skin? I'm still not sure. Nothing really tangible.


These days my bones creak when I get out of bed. But strangers love to point out how I don't look my age. "That's great dude, now can you please shut the fuck up and put my stuff in boxes?" You'd think with the booze, smoke, and abuse I've put my body through, I'd look like I was 70. But, I only feel that old. My joints feel twice that in the rain. Well, and with the horny. Sooner or later, I'll crush my instinct. No longer a HOTANIMALMACHINE. I'll just be a MACHINE. Someday. At least, that's what I tell myself. But you and I both know, that the we lie to ourselves better than anyone else can.

"I remember falling.
I remember marching.
Like a one man army."

This year, amidst preparing to receive my life back into my own hands, I also discovered that broken dreams taste like broken teeth. It was a bit freeing to give up on a few things. I have a niece now. She's like the daughter I always wanted, but finally gave up on. It's just not really feasible at my age to have more kids. At least that's what I've been told. And it sounds pretty damn reasonable to me.

So, right cross, followed by a few jabs, and that one's KO'd. "Don't cut it Mick. It doesn't need to see." It's dying and being born again all in one moment to let go of things like that. Perhaps that's where I went. I haven't bleed into the ether for a while. Maybe that's where the blood went. Where my pulse went. Who knows? for now though, bedtime. Hopefully my sleep will be like my days. Dreamless.

"you need to understand there's nothing strange about this
you need to know your friends.
I'll be waving my hand watching you drown.
watching you scream, quiet or loud."

Suite: Judy Blue Eyes

In seven days, I'll be back to being Mr. Rhodes. I don't quite know how to feel about that. I reckon parts of me are elated. Other parts equally terrified. I look back at just three months ago when I was ready to reenlist. I know that getting out puts a lot more weight on my shoulders as far as working towards the life I want. Being in the Infantry had made it nearly impossible to see the boys, much less work on bettering the custody arrangement. I'm set for school. I'm set to start this business. I'm set to carry on. I'm older, single, and ready to rebuild my life as opposed to just soldiering. I've been sleeping so little lately, I sometimes wonder if my clarity is at its peak or if I'm really just looking through cracks in a dirty window. I know that this big of a change in the circumstances is big enough to generate stress, but for the most part, I think I'm keeping a decent handle on things.

Things have slowed up here on the clearing front, which is....aggravating. But what can you do? I just try and push through it. I'll be damned if I let paperwork slow me down. Now, that I'm getting out, I think the best thing I can do is destroy my school work, see the kids as much as possible, and avoid horrible decisions on the relationship front.

Sounds like a plan.