The Final Cut

I want a Love like Dawn.
I want it to burn away the years of GRAY.
I want it to scour everything from my mind, wiping fingerprints from the space that was a heart.
The thumbprint that ground out my heart and soul.
INDELIBLE INK.
Give my SELF back.

"Will they ever measure up?
To the way you left me here by the roadside,
The bloodiest cadaver,
Marked in your words, I'm the joke, I'm the bastard."

I want to give someone EVERYTHING.
I want to be known inside and out.
I want a secret smile again.
I want to not be bitter every time I see people in love.
I want an equal.
I want a partner.
I want, I want, I want.
What else is new?

My number is one.
I will not throw myself into something shiny.
Manic and loud.
Moth like.
What's the new flame?
What's got shiny words, toys, shiny?
I am accepting of my role? My lot? My CHOICE.
I refuse to be bamboozled with yet another waste of time.
Of hope.

I have a Jaelyn now. She loves her Uncle more than anything.
Now, I have at least a quarter of my dream.
And that is more than enough.

Blue Skies, Cool Earth, and Hot Brass.

Staring into the future that's rushing towards me with the velocity of a bullet.
Trying to understand how every step that brings me closer to home seems to carry me further away from family, friends, myself.

How is that even possible? Why can't I look at myself some days?
How could you question that I am a Heartless Bastard?
Truth in advertising.
Now...Where did I put that troublesome muscle?

Why am I not surprised when everything falls apart around my shoulders.
I'm striding out into a cracked wasteland, sword in hand, looking for peace amongst the rubble. It's what I do.

Is something wrong with me? Is something wrong with you? I really wish I knew..
Every attempted step forward is a step... sideways.
My gorge is rising and all my anger is coming back. My serenity has been thrown out the window.

What happens now? Where does it happen? Where do I go from here? What is the right answer? Everything I thought was certain... wasn't. Fuck.

When Old is New Again

When Old is New Again

I just want to write the words,
that would take your breath away.
Tonight, they aren’t coming though.
I just want to write the words;
that would make everything perfect.
Tonight, I don’t know if it’s sand or sadness.
I just want to write the words;
that would propel me into a future that I want.
The road ahead doesn’t seem like a kind one.
I just want to write the words;
that would cement something for me.
Just one solid, dependable thing.
Just one.
Tonight I just want to write the words;
that would explain it all.
But, fear keeps feelings behind locked doors.
As ever.
Tonight I want to write the words;
that will tell me what to think, correctly, and with complete assurance that my mind is leading the rest of me into the correct choices and emotions.
When has that ever happened?