You want to what?

So, I guess the first 10 hours of my day weren't a complete waste of time. awake at 0230, mission so on and so forth blah blah blah, end up at the I.A. headquarters. Where, while pulling security an Iraqi soldier very politely told he he was in fact homosexual, and also would like to blow me. I very politely declined. Then he took 15 minutes of my life away telling me about his wife and child and asking if I was married or had kids. Well, it was humorous at least. I hope the second 10 hours of my day are somewhat funny as well.

Any station this net, any station this net.

Another year past. Another 365 days gone. And really, nothings changed. Everything's changed? How do you look at it? Life continues to deal it's hand whether you are ready to call, raise, or fold. It never changes.

"I know, you love the song but not the singer.
I know, you've got me wrapped around your finger.
I know, you want the sin without the sinner."

90 days til we start ripping. That will be nice. And of course the question is always where to from here? What do you do with what you've done? Where can you go? What will you be? I discovered all too often that I've become socially unacceptable around regular people. I can't relate. Or they can't. It scares them away. Friends look at you like you're an alien. I know I'll be back here again soon. I'm thinking maybe that's for the best.


So, I suppose this year I mainly rediscovered things about my self that I already knew. I suppose I changed a little, but I think for the most part the world I left behind kept changing without me. That's hard to deal with a lot of times. Other times, you just shrug and say fuck it.

"I know, you cut me loose from contradiction
I know, I'm all wrapped up in sweet attrition
I know, it's asking for your benediction"

So, until next time.
Battle Roster Number Romeo Juliet 3612 reporting Negative Contact.
Battle Roster Number Romeo Juliet 3612 Out.

Year 3

"Every cloud is grey, with dreams of yesterday."

So this is how 31 tastes... The same as last year. And the year before. The exterior at least matches the interior this year. So, that's a plus I guess. All I really wanted this year were some words. But that's what I want every year. Or answers. Or possibly for Justice to let me go to work with him. He guards the gate what holds the Ninjas.

"Every sky is blue, but not for me and you."

On the plus side, one of my friends promised me a sweet theme party at our (yeah, I said ours. So there.) local bar. So, that's sweet. At the moment though I'm at a loss for themes. Possibly broken, bitter, disillusioned soldier comes home to angrily drink whiskey sours. OR....Horny Animal Man unleashed in Portland to sow seed where ever he can. That's all I've got so far. OR maybe Tex Avery. I'm a big fan of Tex Avery.

Another Day, Another Dinar

"Leave me dreaming on the bed. See you right back here tomorrow, for the next round."

AC finally fixed. First real sleep I've had in a week. Not much else to report. Still doing rather stupid stuff on a day to day basis. Got in trouble for exiting the Stryker without a helmet on. oops. I didn't feel I was in any danger. So fuck it. But, whatever. Apparently there's rules or something. In other news...there really isn't any other news. I've had a lot on my mind the last month or two and I'm not sure if it's getting better or worse.

"Just tonight, I would lay here for you. Just tonight, I would sink here for you."

Dreams lately when I can remember them have been....weird. I don't know how to explain them....they are scenarios of things that could happen when I get home. But with the worst possible outcome. And they are not so unbelievable that they couldn't happen. Well some of them. Others feature players I'll never see again due to death or distance. But, somehow that doesn't remove the weight of it.
"Ole' Scratch has dealt us a dirty hand..."
My brand new ipod fried. Motherfucker. 4 days in and the motherfucker fries. They are SO lucky I don't decide policy for this conflict. It'd be over by now. This region would be safe, secure, and profitable. But, then again....what do I know?

Come Home

"Harder! Faster! Forever After!"

My air conditioner broke. That's why I'm here at 4 in the morning. I didn't get much sleep, what little I did get was plagued by strange, troubling dreams, that now I can't really remember other than the vague sense of unease. Maybe today they'll come out and fix the shit. It's fucking insane but it's cooler OUTSIDE than in my tiny tiny room.

"Throw yourself from Skin to Skin and still it doesn't seem to dull the pain."

Time to go lay on one of the makeshift benches out back and wait for work to start. Yay.

Solitary Refinement

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my life. The choices I've made, the situations that I've had thrust on me and those that I thrust myself into. It's been a pretty heavy couple of days, to say the least. Lately, I've been feeling forgotten, abandoned, and just Gone. I think it's a side effect of being here so long. I'm rational enough to realize that real life continues in the real world, but emotional enough that I still miss a few folks. I'm still working on that. I've thought a lot about betrayals. Old and New. Ones that have been perpetrated on me, and those I've perpetrated. I think that perhaps there is dividing line between intentional and unintentional. But then again, what do I know?

"I am one time, I am right here, I am what's left, I am right now.
I remain burned beyond recognition."

As of it late, I've been thinking about the number of people I can 100% trust, no questions asked. That number is surprisingly low. Or is it surprising? I think my innate fear of heartbreak and abandonment has made me very wary of people of general. A couple of months ago, I had some pretty startling revelations thrust on me, and while I wasn't surprised at the time, it certainly planted that seed of Doubt. That creeping crawling Shadow that whispers sybilantly, "If This could happen....What's Sacred? What's Taboo? What WON'T happen?" So, I've been wrestling with that as I realized what one of my worst possible fears could be. But in keeping with my surprisingly weird superstitious streak, I don't give voice to it. Bad Mojo. It stays locked in my mind, and possibly the Ether. Possibly Your mind. Who knows?

So lately I've been trying to overcome my crushing loneliness. I'm not sure anymore whether I'm ruggedly individualistic or just incredibly isolated. I felt a great desire recently for someone, and now... I don't know, it's still there but the potential for heartache is present and I'm trying to avoid that. It frightened me pretty good because I haven't actively felt that way about someone for a while now. But, as in all things, I presume the feelings were not mutual. And it was all a potential to begin with. And getting twisted up over it, is just... I don't know? Careless?

"Eyes Wide Open, Eyes So Blind, to the Prison on the Inside, the Prison in the Mind."

And then there's the ever present undertow that's always there whenever I'm not paying attention, it pulls me under instead of just gently pulling at me for attention. And I've discovered that, that particular situation, is like an emotional black hole. I throw emotion into it and it's just...Gone. Silent, Cold, Empty. And then as always is my overdeveloped, hyper aware, sometimes ironic, sometimes dead on sometimes way off sense of alertness, supposition, I don't know? Betrayal Radar? Paranoia Gauge? I don't even know what to call it. But I'm extremely worried and at the same time chiding myself for my current suspicions. Who knows?

On the plus side, I got to talk to the Boys today. So, that was good. I try and stay positive about that. I feel like it's my last real tether to anything, and it's a tenuous one at best. I really wish I could spend more time with them. I feel like I've been cheated out of everything about their lives, and that's a hard trip to deal with. I've started researching adoption again for some point in the future, so hopefully that will pan out. I've been trying to get everything arranged for once this tour is over as well as knock out more school. But the combination of those mixed with work and my nightly 2 to 3 hours of sleep is wearing me pretty thin. But, that's okay. I'm learning to push through again, it helps with the clarity.

War Within, War Without, War Never Ending.

I feel more and more that as the years stack up, that maybe I'm supposed to be alone. I won't lie and say that I've learned magically to not wrestle with loneliness and the desire to be close to someone, to have someone really know me. But, being alone means that I don't have to deal with games and head trips. And while loneliness is crushing, the alternative can be so much more painful. It would turn the slow drip into a massive laceration. And who needs that?