Irony.

"And it was these hands that pushed the pieces together. It was this voice that consoled and reassured."

What a lovely mission. May I have another tomorrow? And tomorrow evening? Can we just do this one mission over and over and over? So...that's work.

Customs shit. Ready to see the boys. Just about everything else I am ambivalent about.

At this moment I am shaky and smoking too much. Considering some coffee. Looking for answers. But you know me... always afraid to ask the questions. Or am I just afraid of the answers? Perhaps, I predetermine what the answers will be and just fear being right. Who knows? Certainly not this guy. At this particular moment I'm trying to not let this affect me. I'm short time. I've got things I need to be focusing on. Other than this drivel. I've arrived at conclusions. I've done the math so to speak. Cause speaking is one of those things that while not completely fond of, I do. I see the music and get all the wrong messages. Then I look at the reality and get something else entirely. It's what I do.

I would carry on my 1000 worlds but this week they are all a bit too raw and a little too.... weird? Possible? Enraging? Whacked out? Something not to reprint here. I'm' sure there is more to say, but I'm on edge from mission and everything else and kinda scattered and all over the place. I can't really think straight, I've been awake for twenty four hours and my first instinct right now (that's actually doable here in Iraq) is to go lift weights. It's a fucking mess. Nothing else to say. Have a fucking night. I surely have.

Welcome Home.

Another 24 plus at the COP. Go team me. Handsome Rob and I stayed in the truck and engaged in Verbal Combat. Not slander mind you. But varied deep discussion about many varied topics. We touched on Nazi Germany, communist Russia. His new girlfriend, all my ex ones. And that was where we settled for a bit. Reminiscing about old instances and varied sun touched moments with the gray of lies and bitterness only touching the edges.

I resolved after sleeping that my mind will be the fist that shatters the mirror. My truth is the steel toed boot to kick your teeth down your throat. There are so many things I've discovered that I am angry about. And being older it's not the raw boned rage of my youth but more of a simmering hatred. And it's pure. It's like waking up finally. I can't say that I don't have regrets. There are certainly a few.

But, beyond all that I've discovered that beyond myself, there are quite a few folks I am quite perturbed with. (Another trick of age. Instead of saying, "I'd like to take a tire iron to everything you cherish in front of you, before stoving in your rotten skull." I say quite perturbed.

And that's okay. It's not an urge for violence so much as a reckoning of everything I've let slide. At some point your eyes refocus and you see all the little daggers and arrows stuck in you,the things that were hidden or stolen, and well... you get a little..perturbed. Some of these people, events, etc. I'll never be able to rectify. Others live right at home. So...maybe something will get fixed. But, seeing as how if nothing else, I've learned that you can't trust anything or anyone. I highly doubt even the easy to reach ones will see a viable solution. So where does that leave me? Exactly where I was I guess. Just a little more cognizant of who and what I'm dealing with on every level.