Tonight I'll remember my past to conjure my future. I'll lay here unmoving, unmoved in the present. Tonight my mind replays old memories like sepia toned film reels.
And my mind wanders....
I think about young lovers, unsure of their footing. Fumbling with their words, learning to walk. To talk to one another. Wrestling with trust and empathy.
I remain the observer of these comedies and tragedies. A sometimes stern face floating just outside the action on the stage. Taking in the act, watching the play unfold. My days of participation are long gone. Whether through age, inability, or just a general sense of malaise. I instead choose to wrestle with my self. Locked in a mortal embrace with my shadow. A shade that has followed me throughout my life. My constant companion.
I find myself without the time required to find a role in those plays of so long ago. I can't summon the effort to open myself up to such scrutiny. When I find myself on that particular stage I chance a look around only to find myself blinded. By circumstance or design, it remains the same.
I wonder about my children. Their questions with the answers that when I do have them, still sometimes steal the breath of me. How can I give them such crushing truths? I don't. I take the simpler route, "You'll understand when you're older." Everyday they get older. The snapshots in my mind of them as babies always a few years behind the reality of their age. Unsure of whether it's a cop out or a responsible act. Only time will tell I suppose.
I wonder about my comrades. In the shit, living the dream. Surviving the nightmare. I find myself wishing I was in it with them. I find myself glad I'm not. An addiction in itself. These are just withdrawals. I wish them well daily.
My thoughts turn to my friends. Lives out there beyond my reach. Existing outside my range of vision. I find myself wanting to go visit everyone of them. So hard to be everywhere at once. and time marches inevitably on. Age always stalking a few steps behind, out of sight.
I wonder about the nature of attachment and how differently everyone does it. The way you grew and how you live defining the nature and strength of every life yours touches. It's warming, it's solace, it's terrifying, it's devastating, it's cold.
I suppose it's life. Sometime soon, I'll find the time to unpack mine and start to live it again.
